Haunting

Ghosts from the past often haunt me. They speak of times that are old, new, and in between, of times that could’ve been. Of promises made yet left unfulfilled.

These spectres often whisper and other times they are shouting to be heard. Mostly, they remain in the background and can be tuned  out but they always persist. Like a radio that’s almost on the station…almost playing one song but snapping and cracking to combine with another. Becoming intermingled and always garbled, almost getting the message but not quite.

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The First

Lackadaisical attention, fading memories playing in bursts,

waltzing in unannounced in a whirlwind of firsts.

The first message, the first call, the first meeting…the first kiss,

being enveloped the first time in that energy felt like bliss.

Eagerness for more, always so thrilling and always a first,

bringing the thought that just maybe…this would lift the curse.

Each new meeting and adventure, erupting in flames from that initial spark

shining on those dusty corners of that long closed heart.

A mere glimpse of that feeling, thought to be consumed by grief from times past,

it’s all to familiar with the tugging of those strings, the spell has been cast.

The first time reality sets in is a first too, along with the first falling out,

these are too familiar, the need for affirmation bears a mighty clout.

The fears run deep, but enjoy the firsts and don’t grip too tight,

Now comes the first desire to stay, along with the memory of that last terrible fright.

With a pounding heart and deep breath in, remember the firsts…

Even if those firsts become last.

Meditation Revelation

I had a moment where I started to feel the immensity of the universe and just how infinitesimal I am.
I had to shut it off quickly and refocus. Looking back and analysing it I realized that we are much like Atlas. The sky that we carry weighs heavy with the expanse of the universe bearing down on us. Demanding to be acknowledged. Waiting…patiently, seeing just how far we are willing to reach in the pursuit of something more.

Soulmates, Salvation, and Self Discovery

The sun was shining and there was a slightly crisp breeze that occasionally kicked up; there was to be an outside wedding this Texas autumn day. I was there in an official capacity, my job was to help the bride get ready with hair and makeup and my daughter was to be her flower girl, Rayne was to be married to Jack that day and as her new friend, I was to make sure she was in tip-top shape.

I met Rayne when she was in the process of planning her wedding and in the course of our work friendship we both discovered we can craft. I quickly offered to come over and help her make her wedding bouquet and other flower arrangements. So, the first time I met Jack is the day I helped to make him and his best man’s boutonnieres for the wedding. In the course of planning, I discovered that Jack’s best friend Byron was to be the DJ for the wedding as he had a countless library of songs.

The first time I saw Byron was from a distance and was he ever a sight to see, my attraction to him was immediate. He had set up two tables by the house for his gear and sound system. Leaning over the table, plugging in wires and pushing buttons to help set the mood for the wedding. The details of what he wore have faded with time however, I remember…he had beautiful long, dark hair with a goatee and dark, brooding, intensely intelligent eyes.

I was still very young, innocent and naive to the ways of the world in many ways. My friendship with Rayne offered me a glimpse into a bigger, more colorful world than I could’ve imagined. She had experienced so much more than I had and to me that made her worldly and almost all-knowing. Rayne was more than happy to take me under her wing and “mold me”. Which she certainly did, our friendship lasted a couple of years but the fieriness of our two personalities kept burning each other and eventually, I called the friendship off. Over the course of our friendship, I had befriended Byron.

Byron sparked something in my soul, although I didn’t know what or how to explain it. Over the course of time, we established a friendship and I yearned for him the whole time, often lamenting my woes to Rayne. I’d never had this intense attraction before and he was so close that I literally touched him as much as I could. We had so many late nights together, we weren’t a couple but it was always he and I hanging out with Rayne and Jack…the unofficial foursome. We listened to music, played various games, ate dinner, talked and watched movies. On occasion, while we were sitting in front of their fireplace and he played video games and I brushed and braided his hair. Sometimes, it would just be me brushing his hair…smiles.

Byron had this way and he intimidated me so, I could feel him watching me sometimes with his mysterious gaze, never knowing what he was thinking. I rarely caught him actually looking at me but when I did I felt as if I had been burned. Sometimes, he would have this look of curious amusement in his eyes, like he was tickled with me and he couldn’t wait to see what I would do next. Then he started making comments to Jack and Rayne that made their way back to me, statements along the lines of using my imagination more because he could tell I had a creative one. This only fueled my fire and Rayne knew it.

One brave, drunken night I was lamenting to Rayne about not having sex and wanting to and she randomly threw out that Byron may be interested in being friends with benefits. Now, remember I am young and naive and even though I had similar type relationships she had to break down “the rules” of this type of relationship…no emotions, just sex. I didn’t particularly care, I heard sex and Byron in the same sentence and I was in. She made that fateful call to Byron and to my shock and surprise, he took me up on my offer.

She helped me hurriedly get ready and I went over to Byron’s and that was the first night we were together and was certainly not the last. Byron and I maintained that relationship for some time, we spent countless hours on the phone with each other. Sometimes we would talk about our favorite TV show, sometimes he would play me music and other times we would just sit on the phone with each other not saying anything. We were just enjoying the fact that we were doing something together even though we weren’t in the same room.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes he drove me nuts. I can’t really remember why now because that was almost two decades ago and so much has happened between then and now. I don’t think it really matters because, at some point in any relationship, you are going to drive each other nuts but you make a decision to keep driving each other nuts because that’s part of it. Even though he did, I always kept coming back for more. I was on the precipice of love…then life happened. I moved away and in doing so we lost contact for 7 years.

Byron met someone after me and was with her during that time. I knew he was with someone because on lonely nights over the years I would think of him and sometimes, I would call him…his number always worked. I only talked to him once or twice in those 7 years but I did know he had someone. Eventually, I quit calling (there were a couple of unanswered calls and I never left a message). He was never gone from my thoughts, especially when I discovered BDSM and I remembered how he was the first to ever suggest that maybe I was a submissive and a little bit of a masochist.

After reconnecting and going through our high highs and low low, we broke up I was shattered and devastated. He was my drug and I was the addict. He liked knowing that he was my drug and that I would do absolutely anything for him simply because he desired it. He often warned me against him after we reunited but that became the nature of our relationship, he was the pusher and the drug, and I was the addict and that is a role I know oh, so well. I’ve come to find that this is oftentimes a toxic combination when it comes to D/s relationships. It’s toxic when both sides aren’t prepared and willing to take on the full responsibility of that role. It’s taken me a good part of these 5 years apart (but not nearly all of it) to fully heal from our relationship and sometimes I wonder if I still am fully healed. I’m sure I’ve probably romanticized some of our stories, however, what else happens with soulmates?

I say soulmate, but I don’t know if Byron ever felt that connection with me. I do believe that he loved me to the best of his ability. I think he did, I’m not sure if it really matters anymore. I know I feel it though…and I still do…to this day. I feel that red string that connects us together for the rest of our lives. Here is where poly has worked its magic on me…I understand that I have more than one soulmate and that I can still love him and him not be in my life. I now also understand that a soulmate is not the equivalent of a life partner.

I understand that I am going to be in love with Byron in some way for the rest of my life…and I’m ok with it. I do try and remember the good times and my favorite memory is of the day we met. The image of that day and that moment I first saw him…I’ve never forgotten. Time has made the image blurry, but I cling to it because I cherish it so. That was the day he came into my life, I also remember the last time I held him and kissed him in my arms knowing that it was likely the last time.

There was this moment in time, towards the end of our relationship, that is my second happiest moment with Byron. Things had already started going south in our relationship, however, we were still trying. I remember we were watching a movie after we had our play time and were laying there in each other’s arms. I somewhat remember the storyline but what I remember were these two destined lovers that were only complete when they were together. At that moment, I was complete, at peace and so content…we were in our bubble and it was perfection. I also knew and understood at that moment that times like that are truly rare and I would be lucky if I could experience it again. I know I will but those truly peaceful moments are rare.

I write this as I start another new journey in my life and I’ve been wanting to write about it. But as has happened over the years, I kept coming back to Byron and our unfinished business. I’ve finally found the words and the bravery since it needed to be told after all. I’m not sure for what purpose, but my muse promises me that there is a reason and my guardian angels promise that my new beginning is well worth it.

The Maestro

Darkness envelops and pervades, blocking the effervescence of light
Waiting, blind and mute, earnestly listening for a noise ever so slight
The pitch black allows a reprieve, soothing with its coolness against the skin
An instrument waiting to be played, the finale will elicit a devilish grin

Hunger consumes the soul, craving and yearning, slowly making its way,
Clawing and tearing its way from within, it must get out and have its say,
The crescendo building on the essence it devours until its strength has grown,
Time has passed, it needs to be fed, and the longing desire is now full-blown.

Whispering breezes dances across the flesh, nerves delighting at the sensation
The hunger is in charge and has only just begun, unrelenting working towards ovation Tickling, prickling, poking and prodding as the music continues on
Stinging, biting, licking and soothing all in a cycle flexing the brawn

A work of art, a melodic masterpiece unfolds with a crack and a slap and sighs
Sighs meld into moans, increasing and encompassing until there are only cries
The explosion is inevitable, a melding of movements being brought together
Symphonic release of sweet anguish has been reached ending with a touch light as feather.

Which way do I go?

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly], meaning “many” or “several”, and Latin amor, “love”) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It is distinct from both swinging (which emphasizes sex with others as merely recreational) and may or may not include polysexuality (attraction towards multiple genders and/or sexes).

Polyamory, often abbreviated as poly, is often described as “consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy.” The word is sometimes used in a broader sense to refer to sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristic.

What is polyamory?

Is responsible polyamory possible without the knowledge and consent of all parties involved? Furthermore is it possible without some moral code or compass to guide the direction? The very definition of Polyamory says not.
The ideal of Polyamory or poly was introduced to me just a little over a year ago now and I’ve been in a ‘poly’ relationship for a little over 7 months now. When I was first introduced to the idea of multiple loves my monogamous heart balked. Then slowly over time it became more appealing, being able to love and be loved by more than one. An added bonus was that I would get to take a new journey with not only with my friend and lover of several years but also my Master/Sir whom I adore and have since fell head over heels in love with. Not only could I have multiple loves but with more research on my part, the more it seemed to fit my ideals and moral code.
Honest, open communication, trusting in each other and to hold those involved, including me, to a higher standard of being. How can you love more than one without holding yourself to a higher degree of moral responsibility? They have or should have your heart and well-being in mind…not just theirs.
Then the seduction and promises came and I took that step with a clearly negotiated goal in mind. We talked about it for a great while before he asked and when he asked I hesitated. Two weeks passed before I said yes. We talked and compromised and laid it all out and we embarked on our journey together to become the base of our triad, seeking to find the one who could make our wish come true. I started this behind in the game, after all it was introduced to me and the original idea of poly wasn’t mine. Reading and research became my friend. I tapped all resources possible, including friends and the TV show, picking for knowledge and experience where I could find it.
I’ve said it before and will say it again…you can have all of the book knowledge in the world but when it comes to applying that knowledge to real time situations it’s a whole other situation. So time has passed and experience has been gained and I find myself wondering how I arrived where I’m at?
What was clearly negotiated and agreed upon has changed and it’s not anything I expected. Of course, change is never expected. Gradual change is what I expected, the allowance of more time on my part to grow and evolve with the changes being asked of me. So I’ve had to pick up the pace on my learning curve and I’ve found it to be steadily spiraling out control. I’m being pushed to and passed my limits in what I can accept in the here and now and I find myself in a losing battle. I’ve talked, communicated, been honest and open about my limits and in the process have found myself coming up short.
A fork in the road with three paths, two of which separate me from where I started out. We started down the middle path together, holding hands. Then there is his separate path, my separate path and the path down the middle which we could continue to take together. The grip we had on each others hands is no longer taut, it’s increased in slack to the point where we are no longer holding hands. He’s several steps ahead and I am several steps behind and we each have one foot on our separate paths and the other foot on the path down the middle. Yet, I’m still reaching to hold his hand again and get that reassuring strong grip back. Every time our fingers touch or we start to reaffirm that grip, it knocked back loose.
I’ve gone into self preservation mode but still have that fierce desire to find a way to make this work. But, I’m at a loss truly. I’ve stuck to my morals and I’ve offered so much of myself. I’ve grown and I’ve learned but it doesn’t seem to be enough.

“This way comes” Installment

I intended on finishing my story several months back, however due to several reasons I have decided not to against the express wishes of Byron, regardless of reprimand. Too much has happened in the interim and it’s that remaining part of the story about my experience I would like to keep to myself.