The sun was shining and there was a slightly crisp breeze that occasionally kicked up; there was to be an outside wedding this Texas autumn day. I was there in an official capacity, my job was to help the bride get ready with hair and makeup and my daughter was to be her flower girl, Rayne was to be married to Jack that day and as her new friend, I was to make sure she was in tip-top shape.
I met Rayne when she was in the process of planning her wedding and in the course of our work friendship we both discovered we can craft. I quickly offered to come over and help her make her wedding bouquet and other flower arrangements. So, the first time I met Jack is the day I helped to make him and his best man’s boutonnieres for the wedding. In the course of planning, I discovered that Jack’s best friend Byron was to be the DJ for the wedding as he had a countless library of songs.
The first time I saw Byron was from a distance and was he ever a sight to see, my attraction to him was immediate. He had set up two tables by the house for his gear and sound system. Leaning over the table, plugging in wires and pushing buttons to help set the mood for the wedding. The details of what he wore have faded with time however, I remember…he had beautiful long, dark hair with a goatee and dark, brooding, intensely intelligent eyes.
I was still very young, innocent and naive to the ways of the world in many ways. My friendship with Rayne offered me a glimpse into a bigger, more colorful world than I could’ve imagined. She had experienced so much more than I had and to me that made her worldly and almost all-knowing. Rayne was more than happy to take me under her wing and “mold me”. Which she certainly did, our friendship lasted a couple of years but the fieriness of our two personalities kept burning each other and eventually, I called the friendship off. Over the course of our friendship, I had befriended Byron.
Byron sparked something in my soul, although I didn’t know what or how to explain it. Over the course of time, we established a friendship and I yearned for him the whole time, often lamenting my woes to Rayne. I’d never had this intense attraction before and he was so close that I literally touched him as much as I could. We had so many late nights together, we weren’t a couple but it was always he and I hanging out with Rayne and Jack…the unofficial foursome. We listened to music, played various games, ate dinner, talked and watched movies. On occasion, while we were sitting in front of their fireplace and he played video games and I brushed and braided his hair. Sometimes, it would just be me brushing his hair…smiles.
Byron had this way and he intimidated me so, I could feel him watching me sometimes with his mysterious gaze, never knowing what he was thinking. I rarely caught him actually looking at me but when I did I felt as if I had been burned. Sometimes, he would have this look of curious amusement in his eyes, like he was tickled with me and he couldn’t wait to see what I would do next. Then he started making comments to Jack and Rayne that made their way back to me, statements along the lines of using my imagination more because he could tell I had a creative one. This only fueled my fire and Rayne knew it.
One brave, drunken night I was lamenting to Rayne about not having sex and wanting to and she randomly threw out that Byron may be interested in being friends with benefits. Now, remember I am young and naive and even though I had similar type relationships she had to break down “the rules” of this type of relationship…no emotions, just sex. I didn’t particularly care, I heard sex and Byron in the same sentence and I was in. She made that fateful call to Byron and to my shock and surprise, he took me up on my offer.
She helped me hurriedly get ready and I went over to Byron’s and that was the first night we were together and was certainly not the last. Byron and I maintained that relationship for some time, we spent countless hours on the phone with each other. Sometimes we would talk about our favorite TV show, sometimes he would play me music and other times we would just sit on the phone with each other not saying anything. We were just enjoying the fact that we were doing something together even though we weren’t in the same room.
Don’t get me wrong, sometimes he drove me nuts. I can’t really remember why now because that was almost two decades ago and so much has happened between then and now. I don’t think it really matters because, at some point in any relationship, you are going to drive each other nuts but you make a decision to keep driving each other nuts because that’s part of it. Even though he did, I always kept coming back for more. I was on the precipice of love…then life happened. I moved away and in doing so we lost contact for 7 years.
Byron met someone after me and was with her during that time. I knew he was with someone because on lonely nights over the years I would think of him and sometimes, I would call him…his number always worked. I only talked to him once or twice in those 7 years but I did know he had someone. Eventually, I quit calling (there were a couple of unanswered calls and I never left a message). He was never gone from my thoughts, especially when I discovered BDSM and I remembered how he was the first to ever suggest that maybe I was a submissive and a little bit of a masochist.
After reconnecting and going through our high highs and low low, we broke up I was shattered and devastated. He was my drug and I was the addict. He liked knowing that he was my drug and that I would do absolutely anything for him simply because he desired it. He often warned me against him after we reunited but that became the nature of our relationship, he was the pusher and the drug, and I was the addict and that is a role I know oh, so well. I’ve come to find that this is oftentimes a toxic combination when it comes to D/s relationships. It’s toxic when both sides aren’t prepared and willing to take on the full responsibility of that role. It’s taken me a good part of these 5 years apart (but not nearly all of it) to fully heal from our relationship and sometimes I wonder if I still am fully healed. I’m sure I’ve probably romanticized some of our stories, however, what else happens with soulmates?
I say soulmate, but I don’t know if Byron ever felt that connection with me. I do believe that he loved me to the best of his ability. I think he did, I’m not sure if it really matters anymore. I know I feel it though…and I still do…to this day. I feel that red string that connects us together for the rest of our lives. Here is where poly has worked its magic on me…I understand that I have more than one soulmate and that I can still love him and him not be in my life. I now also understand that a soulmate is not the equivalent of a life partner.
I understand that I am going to be in love with Byron in some way for the rest of my life…and I’m ok with it. I do try and remember the good times and my favorite memory is of the day we met. The image of that day and that moment I first saw him…I’ve never forgotten. Time has made the image blurry, but I cling to it because I cherish it so. That was the day he came into my life, I also remember the last time I held him and kissed him in my arms knowing that it was likely the last time.
There was this moment in time, towards the end of our relationship, that is my second happiest moment with Byron. Things had already started going south in our relationship, however, we were still trying. I remember we were watching a movie after we had our play time and were laying there in each other’s arms. I somewhat remember the storyline but what I remember were these two destined lovers that were only complete when they were together. At that moment, I was complete, at peace and so content…we were in our bubble and it was perfection. I also knew and understood at that moment that times like that are truly rare and I would be lucky if I could experience it again. I know I will but those truly peaceful moments are rare.
I write this as I start another new journey in my life and I’ve been wanting to write about it. But as has happened over the years, I kept coming back to Byron and our unfinished business. I’ve finally found the words and the bravery since it needed to be told after all. I’m not sure for what purpose, but my muse promises me that there is a reason and my guardian angels promise that my new beginning is well worth it.