Meditation Revelation

I had a moment where I started to feel the immensity of the universe and just how infinitesimal I am.
I had to shut it off quickly and refocus. Looking back and analysing it I realized that we are much like Atlas. The sky that we carry weighs heavy with the expanse of the universe bearing down on us. Demanding to be acknowledged. Waiting…patiently, seeing just how far we are willing to reach in the pursuit of something more.

R&R

I am so tired, emotionally and physically. Today was a long hard day because insomnia struck last night! I finally made myself lay down around 2 am and laid awake for I don’t know how long. When I did sleep at first it was that in between state, where you know you are asleep but are fully aware of your surroundings. This was after venting in general about how dark my world is too Byron. He listened patiently and tried to give advice the best he could, but I was too far gone at the time for any positive note to be effective.

Then I was up and ready for work and even got there one time at 730 am. It was difficult concentrating on work. Being this tired is such a drain. When I wasn’t walking around in a stupor I was thinking of Byron or even John, of failed relationships in general. Just not a good combination for my already fluctuating emotional state.

I even had to invest in a 5 hr energy drink on lunch. You know you are tired when this raises your energy level to what is ‘normal’ and then it only lasts for an hour! I eventually ended up napping at my desk some which helped me finish out the day. The only ‘normal’ part of my day was at home. I of course finally woke up once I got off of work, I did after all get somewhat of an illegal nap at my place of employment.

I have not talked to Byron today, I did text some with John and he has been a big help to me in this, almost as much as Byron has been. However, what I am looking forward to is this weekend. My bestest friend (of almost 20 yrs) in the whole wide world Cherie is coming to visit me and my daughter for the entire weekend! We get to see her and her little monkey and we are going to gal pal it up. We are going to catch Joss Whedon’s (HUGE FAN of his!) Cabin in the Woods, which is supposed to redefine “horror”. Who knows what else we will do for activities.

One of our to do items is for me to catch her up on everything that has happened this week. There’s a lot of gory details to go into with her. She is one of four friends of mine who knew Byron was my master and about my new journey into BDSM. Last she knew I was going to see Byron this weekend and that I actually did see him…that’s it. I haven’t had the motivation or heart to tell her that I have been released, after all I still really can’t believe it myself. She told me she badly wanted to get involved and tell Byron not to make a mistake and loose me, and she is going to flip when she finds out he made the choice and not me.

She’s seen the positive effect that Byron has had on my life and was quite disappointed when I chose John over Byron in January, but she is an unwaveringly loyal friend. She is going to support me no matter what I choose and no matter how much of a bad choice she thinks it is. I love her fiercely and thank God over and over that her and her family were introduced into to my life at such a young age. We’ve known each other since I was nine and she was five.

So it’s girl time and I am not sure I will be posting this weekend, because it’s been months since we have had a whole weekend to ourselves and she is my priority this weekend. If I don’t post then I will soon.

In the meantime, have a wonderful weekend all!

The Path

She is at the beginning of a new path. Not sure what lays ahead, she does know what lays behind. She has cried tears of joy and sadness, moaned in ecstasy and pain, she has been loved and rejected, and she has been held and pushed away.

This path is her journey and it is hers and hers alone. At first glance the fresh path looks to be clear, unobstructed yet a little forlorn, but with each step she takes and each choice she makes, her path will change. She will be taken to unexplored places and meet colorful new faces.

She will love again, she will laugh again and she will cry again. She will know ecstasy and pain and she will be wrapped in arms of comfort once more. She must not let the fear overwhelm her, for she is strong, she is beautiful and she is glorious.

First she must take that initial step.

Surreal life

sur·re·al

[suh-ree-uhl, -reel]

adjective

1. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of surrealism;  surrealistic.

2. having the disorienting, hallucinatory quality of a dream; unreal; fantastic: surreal complexities of the bureaucracy.

Today I woke up and had an amazingly bad headache and just couldn’t bring myself to make in to work. So I made the obligatory call to let them know, took meds and went back to sleep. My intention was to make it half day today, I hoped that would give me some time to knock the headache out. I was better by mid day but not 100%, and decided to go through the motions and get it done. I got dressed, got in the car and I was off. I never made it in to work.

I was driving along to work, my job is a job I am extremely dissatisfied with, I had been thinking of Byron off and on, of John (my former vanilla lover), about a move on the horizon, about my parents, about my problems with my daughter. I haven’t been truly happy for a long time and have started making changes in my life to correct this. This of course has my life in turmoil because I have upset the balance and introduced chaos not only into my life but to the lives of those I love and that this affects.

So I am driving, when I feel this wave just pass over me and it settled ‘into’ me, like an old jaded lover coming home to re-nest, and like an old jaded lover this is not something I would welcome knowingly. I am constantly fighting with depression it seems, but this was different. After the wave had subsided it left me feeling…inadequate in my life. Like I wasn’t where I belonged and like the way things are right now are not the way things are supposed to be. Like I am disembodied from the rest of the world. It didn’t matter what I said or would say, what I did or would do. That no matter what I chose, it would be ineffectual on any real level of significance…to anyone and especially to me.

This has happened to me a few times in my life before and it’s been awhile since it happened. Last time when it did I was an active alcoholic and drank my way into oblivion until it subsided…but I kept drinking beyond that. This time I didn’t have that ‘luxury’ (if you would call it that). If I had to pick one word to describe this feeling that settled over me, it would be surreal.

I got back home and Byron came on-line and we made some small chit-chat and I started telling him how I felt while I was in the middle of trying to process this. I knew from our prior conversations that if anyone would understand this uneasy feeling it would be him…and he did. I told him I felt surreal, he said as in “Salvidor Dali” and I initially didn’t know who he meant. So he sent me a Google link of his images. He then tried to help me through it, his method for handling it is to totally allow himself to be absorbed into a deep kind of music for a while and then when he is done he has usually come out of it. He sent me three YouTube links and only one song seemed to help.

The first song was by TV on the Radio – Ambulance, but the lyrics were of lovers. This didn’t really help considering I have no real lover at this time and only seemed to amplify the feeling. The third song (yes, I just skipped the second) was by Faith and The Muse – Iago’s Demise, I didn’t really get into the lyrics on this song because the undercurrent of the song left me feeling …I didn’t initially know. He said “maybe a little uneasy, but reassured?”, I said “uneasy yes, rest assured no”. Then I had it, it made me feel despair, that didn’t help much. The second song though, How to Destroy Angels: The Space in Between, the vibe and the beat just seemed to reverberate through me and soothe my surreal feelings for a moment.

We were eventually done talking and while it helped some the feeling still lingered, it had me in its clutches and didn’t want to let go. I continued to study the images by Dali and found these two.

The first one just totally enraptured me, the picture at the top of the page. The image captures exactly how I am feeling and still amazingly beautiful at the same time. This mesmerizing simply beautiful woman who has a natural allure about her is ‘stuck’ in this pose, almost as if she is pleading. The look in her eyes is almost zombie like, like she is lost in the void of her own mind, but her feelings and emotions are still tumultuous and active, even in her zombie state and so intense that she feels like she is being blown away. The bits of her that have exploded under the pressure are being carried away by the wind and into a stark barren world.

The image below has an almost nightmarish feel about it. I even asked my daughter what she thought and she said that she didn’t want to look at it because she would have bad dreams. However, to me it again conveys how I was feeling. I felt stuck in a bad dream today. I felt blind, I felt dumb, and I felt def. I felt like I was moving in slow motion and the world had sped up around me. My senses were dulled, so dulled that I was having trouble forming thoughts and opinions beyond ‘oh, pretty’.

I then laid down and rested some and eventually the feeling subsided…for the most part, maybe tomorrow will be a better day.