I intended my first post to be how I met my Master, Byron. However, I experienced my first definitive end in a great long while and with his encouragement I’ve made this my first post. I had to say good bye to my ‘vanilla’ life tonight. For those that don’t understand what vanilla may mean, it’s what is deemed ‘normal’ for any that are not in the world of “BDSM”…no kinks, no frills, straight forward sex and this can be applied to sex and the type of relationship that you have. Byron is my Master and my owner. John is my last vanilla relationship and this is the relationship that ended this evening.
For background, I met my Byron approximately 11 years ago. I moved to Oklahoma almost 8 years ago and it was then that we lost contact. I took up my normal living life in Oklahoma and he stayed in Texas and become involved in a 7 year relationship which ended towards the end of last year. He looked me up and found me and we immediately picked up where we had left off with no problems.
While, I had been living my vanilla life in Oklahoma and Byron was living his in Texas, I met John. We met about a year and half ago and we had this amazing connection; however the time and circumstances weren’t right for us when we first met. So we parted ways for a few months. Then in March of last year by chance, we met back up. We found a common ground in the beginning, we were both alcoholics. When we met again in March 2011, he had been sober for two weeks and he was this completely different person than the guy whom I had met the summer prior. He was an inspiration and motivation for me to give up what I had been able to prior to seeing him.
So two weeks after we met I made the decision myself to sober up. He made it so much easier because we were experiencing a lot of the same feelings at the same time and we were able to be there for each other. While we were sobering up and working our recovery we were doing it together and that made life so much easier. It has still been a long difficult journey in and of itself, but we were strong for each other. Somewhere along the way we became involved and were dating after long. It was sweet and loving, and fun. However, in the recovery process there is a term. That term is ‘dry drunk’ and that means that you may have quit the physical act of drinking but your actions and words are still that of an alcoholic. I was to find out in November 2011 that John was in the program but he was a dry drunk. Still repeating the same cycle he had except when he was an active alcoholic but he wasn’t actually drinking.
So the beginning of July 2011 John broke up with me. It was devastating to me. I had lost a lover and friend and more importantly I had lost part of my support system. So for the next few months I just delved into AA and worked the program and gained more support and perspective. Along the way John and I had never really lost contact. Then, in September 2011 Byron found me again and he found me in more ways than. As I have said, we re-sparked immediately. What was there years prior…that was still there and seemed to grow in intensity at an exponential rate. We decided to almost immediately to become master and slave; however that was the extent of relationship for a few months. We had an understanding that if I found someone for with the potential of a relationship we would end what we had begun…easier said than done though.
In October 2011, re-enter John. He wanted us to see each other again but wanted to ‘take it slow’. The first person I told was Byron, because he had become my lover/Master and best friend. So for the next month and many cancellations later John and I were seemed to be repeating a cycle. In AA a very popular saying, “What is the definition of insanity? It’s trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results”. John and I had become locked into insanity. Then at the end October I found out that John had begun drinking again and had been for some time. This was just the absolute worst news I had heard since he broke up with me. I took time to process this and was there for him in any way I could be. I even spent a weekend with him to help him sober up and detox only to have him go back out the following Tuesday and repeat the same process. Then at Thanksgiving he was able to start recovery fully and has been sober since.
So here I am two different worlds. On one side is Byron, my master who I think sometimes knows me better than I know myself and I have developed feelings for him as well. I’ve always had feelings for Byron and he knows this as we have spoken frankly about it several times. On the other side is John, who is a sweet, loving man when he isn’t drinking. A world that is new to me and appeals to the sense of “who I am”, versus a world and life that I have lived 35 years. So being the alcoholic I am…I decided “one more time, one more chance”. John had admitted he his feelings for me at some point and that he wanted to get married eventually and have a baby with me.
I had equally strong feelings for him and this last part appealed to me…a part of me was still clinging to having a vanilla life…a normal life so speak. At this point I wasn’t sure that I wanted the BDSM as a life even though it felt right. So I broke the news to Byron at the beginning of January, John and I had been talking…again. It didn’t go over well to say the least because he had decided he wanted to take our relationship to the next level. However, Byron, being the great master he is understood my reasoning and why it appealed to me. Here I had been straddling the fence, indecisive. Which way do I go? Which way is the right way? I have to make a choice…how do I make this choice when I want both of them and both of these worlds appeal to me on different levels? I KNOW I can’t have both of them. So it’s decision time.
I pick John. I have decided and made the decision if I am going to do this I am going to commit to it. We are great for a little over a month…happy, everything is going smoothly. We meet each other’s kids and it’s even better. We start going on outings together, all of us. John and I have a date night to ourselves once a week. Our sex is straight vanilla, no frills, no fantasy, no kink. I had tried to add a little of the spice from the BDSM to maybe get some satisfaction I found that I was missing. He didn’t want to spank me, he didn’t want to grab me, he didn’t want to punish me, and he didn’t want to be even a little more aggressive. It just didn’t seem to appeal to him. He made some half hearted attempts. Pinching me a little harder, kissing me a little more aggressively. Overall though, it just didn’t appeal to him and I can’t blame him for that, this is what turns me on.
Things slowly start going south and then it goes from bad to worse. John is pulling away and I am trying to keep the lines of communication open, trying to get him to talk to me and tell me what’s going on, because there can’t be a relationship with communication. In my desperate attempts to keep him close, I push him away. Should I be surprised? No.
I keep thinking of the words of encouragement Byron had repeated to me the time we were together. “YOU are awesome” “You deserve the best”. I start to find myself thinking about the times Byron and I spent together and how whole he made me feel even just having a casual conversation. How I had wanted him for so long, for so many years, and I had this opportunity to be with him…and I chose someone else. But, these thoughts aren’t right!! I am with John! I chose John! Not Byron!
As the relationship with John is deteriorating, I find myself fantasizing more and more about BDSM, missing Byron. I am constantly beating myself up because I know it just isn’t right!
John in the meantime has begun his pattern of cancelling again; it’s becoming more and more frequent. I find myself sitting in frustration waiting. Two weeks ago, he cancelled on a Monday night. He sent a text, something to the effect of, ”I can’t make it tonight, I will call later”. I was fed up at this point. I had enough. I told him it was getting old and not to worry about calling later. Typically when this happens we talk the next day and the pattern is to act as if nothing happened. This time was different. I attempted to contact him, by text and calling, all with no success. Our tribulation period had reached an end. I sent a “Dear John” letter on Thursday by e-mail…no response. I took him his stuff he had kept at my house…no response.
During this time I have made the realization that I had been denying myself this entire time. Attempting to change who I was and not even realizing it. The fault which I had been placing squarely on John was equally my fault! How could I make him happy when I wasn’t happy with myself even though I hadn’t realized it? So two weeks had passed and I finally heard from John Saturday. He wanted to talk, but he had his son. We talked Sunday and then we met tonight for coffee. We danced around the elephant in the room some before I built up the courage to let him know, I’ve made some decisions about my life and taken some steps to change it in the past few weeks. I told him about the move first. I’ve decided I want to move back to Texas. OK first one down. Now the big one…can I do it? As, I am sitting there working up the courage to tell him, because I know this will be a ‘definitive end’ to a part of my life. Over the speaker comes, Kelly Clarkson’s song “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger”. Deep breathe. “John, I can’t go down this road again with you”, John says, “I kind of picked up on that”. I manage to say with tears choking me, “Well, the guy in Texas that I told you about before? We are talking again. I am working on building back up the trust with him”. John’s eyes slightly tear up and he slightly nods his head in understanding. Then it is time to go.
We walk out together, hug and a small kiss followed by another hug and a good bye. I start walking away and as I am walking away I am crying. It’s happened, I’ve let go of my vanilla life…I let go of John. The past two weeks that I hadn’t heard from John, Byron and I have begun talking again. We both miss each other, but I know that going back to Byron isn’t going to be easy. I am going to have to work for it; I am going to have to earn it. I am more than ready to grovel for his forgiveness, for leaving him.
I haven’t had this clarity in awhile. It’s been a long and winding road, with many detours and stops along the way. Tonight was the “definitive end” of my vanilla and an exciting beginning for me and my Master. I am ready to embrace who I am, to give myself wholly to my Master. First I know I will have to punished, and I eagerly welcome this punishment because I know I have been a naughty slave.