Feeling out of sorts is my new norm lately and my newly found (refound?) sobriety has a lot to do with it (working through my 6th week). I always forget the rush of emotions that comes with a new bout of sobriety. Everything is crisp, clear, so extremely fucking loud and downright exhausting. As an empath it can feel like you are drowning in not just your newly awakened emotions but other peoples emotions as well. You can see, feel, and hear everything on multiple levels and sometimes all at once.
You would think that it would be the same each time you sober up. That you would feel the exact same thing every time, but this time I haven’t and that is some of why I am feeling out of sorts. Maybe that’s what will make this time the final time. The mainstream recovery thought is that if you execute the same steps each time you will achieve the success you desire. That eventually you’ll find the footing you need to set you down the right path.
For several months, I’ve been finding myself contemplating several past relationships of varying degrees. Some have little to no meaning, other’s more so. Side note: Ghosts of exes past have also been resurfacing. My thought’s have even perused the memory banks of requited and unrequited crushes and the varying degrees of failed or successful relationships that they resulted in. One of the more sensitive ones… I can finally look back on with some fondness, namely Byron. It’s been awhile since I’ve written about him but I’ve found my thoughts wandering to and wondering about him. He’s never really been too far from my thoughts, dancing around the edges while giving the look only he can give, and no not sexual.
He always comes to mind, but he’s been joined with the mix of D/s relationships I’ve experienced in the last 12 to 13 years. Recently, I had a brief refresh in regard the joys and downfalls of relationships in the lifestyle. These relationships tend to suffer a little more scrutiny.Yes, there is certainly outward scrutiny, but this time it’s not the behavior of other’s that I’m mainly focused on, it’s my own.
After I beat myself up first (it happens), the scrutiny made me realize that in protecting myself I have REALLY isolated myself this time in all areas of my life. I’ve isolated myself to a point where no one is really close to me and I very rarely open up to anyone, so when I do open up to someone even a little…it’s monumental to me. The heartache wasn’t worth it to me, romantically, sexually, or even friendships. I was tired of it all being so difficult and harsh. So what do alcoholics do? We can’t deal with the harshness of the world, the harshness of people, the downright harshness of reality at times. So, we self medicate and numb ourselves to the harshness of it. At least for this alcoholic.
The thing about the harshness and the reality is that it’s still there waiting to be dealt with. Good, bad, ugly or beautiful…it doesn’t go away. If you start blocking some of it, you can end up blocking all of it and that’s the boat I find myself in now.
My recent experience was anything but normal, but that can be said about pretty much every relationship in my life. However, it helped me to fully realize a couple of things, #1 all of the above, #2 I didn’t want to walk away…I mean after all I’ve been become really good at it. You can’t hurt me if I walk away first. So…I tried. I’m not saying it was my best effort, because I am rusty, but I did try. And there’s #3… that I still have a little girl in me waiting, sometimes waiting patiently and at other’s she tapping her foot with her arms crossed and and her lips turned into a pout. (hello inner Brat!)
I was recently talking to a co-worker with whom I’m not particularly close to, but I opened up to her. I was telling her that I feel as if I’ve just woken up after 3 and 1/2 years and I’m a new woman who has absolutely no idea who she is in her life right now. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way and I’m not sure how much I like it (go figure), however, I know WHO I am fundamentally, that much I have figured out.
The woman I am today is not the woman I was yesterday and that’s some heavy shit.
That little girl is still there, offering her hand, though not as far as before. She knows now that not everyone deserves what she is offering. She has helped me realize that I have to open myself back up, not just for anyone, but I do need connection and I do need to feel again.
servajess 