I am still dealing with a medley of emotions that can run amok at times, but overall I am feeling lighter…better. I think my anger rant helped A LOT. I am feeling truly optimistic for the first time in a long time and definitely more like myself. Although I am not sure what the norm is anymore because so much has changed in the last several months and I am not done with that change. I still have much ahead of me and I know much more to deal with. I feel I have some more allies on my side though. This is mostly thanks to this site and a new account on Fetlife. Yesterday and the day before I was able to not cry and I didn’t have to force myself not to cry and that in and of itself is liberating.
Last night John and I went to dinner and it was so nice! We’ve been trying to hang out at least once a week and it has been successful in helping us maintain our friendship and our shared sobriety. We went dutch and had no expectations, we just truly enjoyed the evening together. I got to fill him in on the details he hadn’t yet received from me about my new job that I start on Monday and we just kind of bs’d the rest of dinner. We went to this amazing restaurant! I had seen it before and thought we should go but hadn’t had the chance til last night. We both wanted something new and this was perfect.
It is a Mediterranean buffet not too far from where I live. I have never had this type of food before and was excited to be able to try it. We walked in the door and the smell that hit us was mouth-watering! The smell was a mix, rich with herbs and spices, hinting to some truly delicious entrees. I wish I could remember the names of everything…but alas, I tried but I can’t. There was one dish that stood out to me though it was a red tomato based sauced that had succulent chicken and was spicy and savory and melted in your mouth when you ate it. I put some fried spinach on top and had to go back for seconds. I tried as much as I could but got too stuffed! I also loved the curried chicken…this I have had and made myself before.
Then there was dessert! Oh my! I ordered a Persian Chai tea that is enjoyed with dessert and John went to get somethings we devoured. My favorite was a pastry ball, again I don’t know the name, but it was simply delish! It had a light syrup but was not overpoweringly sweet and complimented the tea wonderfully! There was also a creamy raspberry layered cake that was like silk running over the tongue when you took a bite and made the tastes buds do a dance of happiness!
I will be looking up recipes and trying my hand at them. One thing I am is an amateur, very amateur chef, I love everything to do with cooking and baking. I love finding new recipes and trying my hand at them and I find myself experimenting quite a bit. I am actually pretty good at it as well, one thing my friends love about me is my ability to knock their socks off and make their mouth orgasm in delight of the foods that I whip up in the kitchen.
After dinner John took me home and he went on his merry way. Again, I was okay with this. For the first time in a long time I didn’t feel the need to invite him in, although I wouldn’t have been opposed too it. I am good where I am at. I want to rediscover myself. I feel kind of like I have been lost for a little while and I need to rediscover me before I contemplate bringing someone, whether new or old, back into my life.
I feel light and almost carefree, but not destructively so.
Tonight is the big night! I am going to my first Fetlife party which is CFNM (Clothed Female, Nude Male). It is not necessarily D/s as it has been described to me. It is where women come and enjoyed being waited on by nude males. The women are in charge of how the evening goes since it is about them. This will be a small intimate party that one of the moderator’s of the group went out of his way to invite me to. I hadn’t even joined the group and he asked me to. I’ve been in daily contact with him and he told me today 4 females and 2 males will be there.
There is a part of me that’s nervous, I will be in a completely new setting and environment to me and with strangers at that. However, I want to get out and explore and am looking forward to this opportunity to do so. I am letting a friend know where exactly I am going and asking that she stay in contact with me as a precaution. I don’t want to be taken advantage physically or emotionally and know there is always a risk of being bullied into doing something I don’t want to do. I haven’t established any type of relationship with anyone there, friendly or otherwise, so I don’t think my precaution is unwarranted.
On an upswing, I won’t have to worry about being under the effects of alcohol since I can’t imbibe due to my alcoholic nature and I am drug free to boot. So I will be doing this completely cognizant of my choices. I will let you know how the party goes!
servajess 