A swing and a miss

Have you ever felt like you were missing something? Something important, like some event was evasively eluding your grasp? This feeling passed over me today and it feels like a concept that I should be getting but I’m not. Almost like an epiphany is dancing on the outskirts of my mind, traipsing in and out of the fog that borders on the idea of something brilliant. However, it’s not quite ready to show itself yet.

Honestly, I’m not even sure that it is my epiphany. I’ve been caught in this state of flux for the past three+ months and very few things have been clear in regards to the path of my future. The one thing I could count on and take what comfort I could was  my relationship with my Sir. Except now, this last week, we have been in the regions of the unknown. I can now mark him firmly in the column of the unidentified when it comes to my future and that is quite disconcerting for me.

We saw each other last weekend and two events marked the weekend as unsuccessful for us. I won’t go into many details even though I’ve shared many gory details in prior posts, I do believe that some things should be left unsaid and between the two people who are involved. These events were my transgressions and I accept complete culpability in how things went down this last weekend.

Since prior to starting the new adventure in our relationship of being “poly” together we realized that the key to any good relationship is open, honest communication. Complete and total transparency for lack of a better description. This is new territory for me, yet something I had always craved in a relationship and always felt as if it were one sided in my past vanilla relationships. Byron and I had already experienced this together some, but not the degree that is required when it comes to looking for, finding, and then introducing a third into an established relationship. Our end goal is not for there to be a primary, secondary, or even tertiary; but to feel compersion and love and understanding equally amongst the three of us.

We were on the hunt for the mythical elusive unicorn that seems to be so sought after by many in our community. What happens though when the initially base relationship hits the rocks?? The hunt stops. Hopefully only momentarily, since I was tasked by Sir with finding our third lover and it was something I was quite excited about doing.

Byron said he had been thinking on this task for some time. One reason I was tasked with this is because of the last attempt to find a third. It happened to coincide with the second as well, however the second flamed out much faster then the first or third. The first was a failed attempt because she couldn’t come to terms with some practices and necessities for Byron. In all three I had never fully come into the picture. I ended up knowing the second, however, I believe that the strength of this was also it’s downfall. It became to real to fast for the second and she flaked out.

So onto attempt three, Lexie. She is a submissive and familiar with the lifestyle, however new to the concept of poly and having a third person involved. Byron was very honest and upfront with Lexie, that I was in the picture and that he and I were poly and that I was not going anywhere. The attraction quickly grew between them, however from what I had learned from the information Byron had given me, Lexie wasn’t entirely sure that she was up for the poly part. Eventually, Lexie concluded that she thought that she could be okay with sharing Byron separately from me but that she wasn’t sure she could fully encompass the idea of poly. Essentially, she was wanting and thinking in terms of an open relationship, however, that was not our goal.

I was none too pleased to hear about this, Byron thought that she may eventually come around to the idea of poly though and continued his budding romance with Lexie. They met and started seeing each other more often, but he kept holding off on really talking about poly with her. I kept waiting, trying to practice patience and compersion and be jealous free, but it was a task that was daunting for me. I had armed myself with the knowledge and know how, to actually put it in practice was a whole different beast. I did have problems with attempt one, however she was more open to poly and what it entailed then Lexie was, so I had grown more accepting in the short time that she was in the picture.

A new revelation had occurred in their sporadic conversations regarding poly. Lexie’s main concern was now that she wasn’t sure that she was in it for poly at all. Her main concern was now that she would develop even more feelings for him and eventually want him all to herself. In keeping with the open and honest communication that we had established, I eventually felt that I had the right to really voice my concerns. I didn’t want to force the issue, however I felt that we were quickly coming up to a line that once it was passed would be slippery and dangerous for all involved. The further they went into this romantic relationship the more there would be feelings involved.

So, one night I just laid all my cards on the table. The path that we were currently on wasn’t what I had agreed to in the beginning and I didn’t like how events were unfolding. I was having problems dealing with the changes and wasn’t sure that she was a fit for ‘us’. I knew they had the beginning of something wonderful from what Byron had told me, but I couldn’t see where I fit into the picture.

The result of my conversation with Byron ended up in a deep serious discussion with Lexie the following night. They were supposed to see each other but it didn’t work out to where they could. So following the path of their regular communication it came out that Lexie’s thinking was still that she would want Byron for herself with me not involved in any way. That is the night that their relationship ended, but they’ve continued to maintain a friendship.

There is a reason for my regaling of this story. It comes back to our communication and how it resulted in the negative impact of this last weekend.   The gist of what happened is that I took the open, honest communication too far. I took a trivial matter and became noticeably upset about it…twice.

I reacted real-time and badly at that. I expected an outcome and when faced with something different became sullen and moody. Even though logically there were explanations both times and I knew it when I was reacting but I felt, I guess …a little entitled to have the reaction because I was being ‘open and honest’ when in all reality I was being quite selfish. I took advantage of  our communication and used it to make me feel better in that moment not fully considering the repercussions of that self-satisfaction I felt I needed. I had done it somewhat with Lexie and now not just once but twice in the same weekend.

The events of last weekend culminated in a conversation hours after the start of our New Year in which Byron told me that he was considering breaking up with me. If I react like this now, then there will surely be future incidents as well. Now, we are at the point where I am giving him his space and giving him time to consider whether or not he wants to move forward in our relationship.

I am not done fighting though. I don’t like change, but change is just a basic fact of life. This is one fact that has become even more poignantly clear in the past months. I’ve overcome many things in my life and still continue some fights on a daily basis. I feel as if our relationship is salvageable, because I am ready and willing to break loose of the shackles that bind me to my past relationships and move forward on a better path.  I want a healthy and loving relationship and I want it with Byron.

Byron centers me. When I am with him and in his arms I feel peace. Peace from the torments and agonies of every day life. I’ve never felt that with anyone before….it’s been close but the total content that I feel with him is just so soothing and reassuring.  When I am with him, I know…I know I am safe and he will protect me in any way that he can. These revelations may be for naught. Byron hasn’t made his decision. I’m not entirely sure he feels the same way when he is with me but I like to think so. I can only hope and fight for what I want and I will continue to do so.

So, I stand on the brink of an epiphany. One that may not be mine, but does involve me. I believe the epiphany is to be had by Byron, but am not 100% positive. What he decides about us now or in the near future will determine how my future unfolds. I know I will and can survive without Byron, but it’s a world that quite frankly scares me. We went several years at one point with little to no contact and he was never fully gone from my thoughts. I reached out to him on occasion if only to just let him know that I was still here.  Now with everything being so uncertain, I can only hope and pray that my future is a future with him.

Hiatus

So many things have happened since my last post. However, I had to take a step back from my blog. I couldn’t handle the emotional turbulence it had me going through. So many negative emotions rolling through me and I was actually trying to pick up the pieces of my life. But little did I know it would get worse before it got better. Byron has encouraged me in the past weeks to pick up my writing again, but I have been hesitant. He finally tasked me with it last night since I was putting it off for as long as possible. My deadline was today.

To pick up where I last left off: I continued my friendship into yet another relationship with John, this one so much more destructive than any prior. He had relapsed in his alcoholism and I followed him down that path in July…on my birthday to be exact. Shortly after I had relapsed I heard from Byron, after an almost 6 month self imposed silence from me. We started out as just friends and I continued on with the relationship with John while trying to maintain a friendship with Byron. However, my heart has always yearned for more than friendship with Byron. I went for a visit to see him…resolute that nothing would happen. However, I knew and he knew if I was pushed hard enough that my resolve would crumble….and it did. Then another visit and tryst followed before I realized I couldn’t do this.

Byron and Shanan were nearing the end of their relationship which had turned monogamous since I had been released. He had never had the chance to further explore polyamory as he had stated with me because she didn’t want to share him in that way. So both Byron and I were going down the same path in the relationships we had found outside of each other. In the meantime, our chemistry, our fire…it had never died it was still there and was it ever still alive! But I had to put my foot down. I couldn’t and wouldn’t settle for that in between area. So I laid it down, we can only be friends. He understood and agreed, though neither one of us wanted to live in the friendship zone. We both needed to find out what was going on with John and Shanan in our lives.

In October, the dust finally cleared and Byron asked me, “Will you try Poly with me”. He initially asked me before I had made the final separation from John. I told him we needed to discuss what our expectations were and we did for the next two weeks. The time finally came, I was done with John and trying. I was living in my self-imposed nightmare of alcoholism and was ready to give it up and knew I would have to in order to be with Byron and what our relationship would entail. I ended it with John and a few days later asked Byron to ask me again and I said yes. Two days later I quit drinking.

So Byron and I are together, truly together for the first time since we have known each other. We are searching for our third to complete our poly triad and it has been a task in and of itself. We’ve had three potentials and three fails so far. We are in search of the mythical “unicorn” to complete what we are looking for.

I’ve had troubles myself in accepting a third. But keeping an open, honest and communicative dialog with Byron has helped with this immensely. I keep reading and studying up on the poly because I like to arm myself with knowledge when I am facing something as daunting as compersion and a relationship without jealousy. Which is vital when it comes to poly relationships. Applying that knowledge has been the challenge.

It feels great to be writing again. I look forward to doing it more often and have completed my hiatus away.

Like a tree in the wind…

I am still dealing with a medley of emotions that can run amok at times, but overall I am feeling lighter…better. I think my anger rant helped A LOT. I am feeling truly optimistic for the first time in a long time and definitely more like myself. Although I am not sure what the norm is anymore because so much has changed in the last several months and I am not done with that change. I still have much ahead of me and I know much more to deal with. I feel I have some more allies on my side though. This is mostly thanks to this site and a new account on Fetlife. Yesterday and the day before I was able to not cry and I didn’t have to force myself not to cry and that in and of itself is liberating.

Last night John and I went to dinner and it was so nice! We’ve been trying to hang out at least once a week and it has been successful in helping us maintain our friendship and our shared sobriety. We went dutch and had no expectations, we just truly enjoyed the evening together. I got to fill him in on the details he hadn’t yet received from me about my new job that I start on Monday and we just kind of bs’d the rest of dinner. We went to this amazing restaurant! I had seen it before and thought we should go but hadn’t had the chance til last night. We both wanted something new and this was perfect.

It is a Mediterranean buffet not too far from where I live. I have never had this type of food before and was excited to be able to try it. We walked in the door and the smell that hit us was mouth-watering! The smell was a mix, rich with herbs and spices, hinting to some truly delicious entrees. I wish I could remember the names of everything…but alas, I tried but I can’t. There was one dish that stood out to me though  it was a red tomato based sauced that had succulent chicken and was spicy and savory and melted in your mouth when you ate it. I put some fried spinach on top and had to go back for seconds. I tried as much as I could but got too stuffed! I also loved the curried chicken…this I have had and made myself before.

Then there was dessert! Oh my! I ordered a Persian Chai tea that is enjoyed with dessert and John went to get somethings we devoured. My favorite was a pastry ball, again I don’t know the name, but it was simply delish! It had a light syrup but was not overpoweringly sweet and complimented the tea wonderfully! There was also a creamy raspberry layered cake that was like silk running over the tongue when you took a bite and made the tastes buds do a dance of happiness!

I will be looking up recipes and trying my hand at them. One thing I am is an amateur, very amateur chef, I love everything to do with cooking and baking. I love finding new recipes and trying my hand at them and I find myself experimenting quite a bit. I am actually pretty good at it as well, one thing my friends love about me is my ability to knock their socks off and make their mouth orgasm in delight of the foods that I whip up in the kitchen.

After dinner John took me home and he went on his merry way. Again, I was okay with this. For the first time in a long time I didn’t feel the need to invite him in, although I wouldn’t have been opposed too it. I am good where I am at. I want to rediscover myself. I feel kind of like I have been lost for a little while and I need to rediscover me before I contemplate bringing someone, whether new or old, back into my life.

I feel light and almost carefree, but not destructively so.

Tonight is the big night! I am going to my first Fetlife party which is CFNM (Clothed Female, Nude Male). It is not necessarily D/s as it has been described to me. It is where women come and enjoyed being waited on by nude males. The women are in charge of how the evening goes since it is about them. This will be a small intimate party that one of the moderator’s of the group went out of his way to invite me to. I hadn’t even joined the group and he asked me to. I’ve been in daily contact with him and he told me today 4 females and 2 males will be there.

There is a part of me that’s nervous, I will be in a completely new setting and environment to me and with strangers at that. However, I want to get out and explore and am looking forward to this opportunity to do so. I am letting a friend know where exactly I am going and asking that she stay in contact with me as a precaution. I don’t want to be taken advantage physically or emotionally and know there is always a risk of being bullied into doing something I don’t want to do. I haven’t established any type of relationship with anyone there, friendly or otherwise, so I don’t think my precaution is unwarranted.

On an upswing, I won’t have to worry about being under the effects of alcohol since I can’t imbibe due to my alcoholic nature and I am drug free to boot. So I will be doing this completely cognizant of my choices. I will let you know how the party goes!

A burning anger

A burning anger, I thought it had subsided, however I suppose it has not passed yet. It’s only been a little over a week since Byron released me so I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that I still feel anger, but I thought this weekend had cured me of this ailment. I do see anger as an ailment because sometimes it consumes the soul and devours the person who inhabits this body of mine. I try not to let it take control and most times I am successful.

Why the anger? I’ve actually processed this and brought it to light. I am angry at mostly myself, but then there is Byron. I held Byron above all others and trusted he wouldn’t let me down, but a part of me feels that he did let me down. I trusted that he would let me make the choice and not strip me of my right to choose the direction of my life (love life in this instance) and instead he did what everyone else has done.He made the choice and that choice ended in the rejection of me.

I am angry because he has a sub/slave already in place and waiting for him. I know this one isn’t justified, but I still feel it…it doesn’t stop because I know I am wrong to be angry on this one, it’s still there.  After all, did I not do something similar back in January when I chose John for Byron? He had no back up at that time, he was where I am at now. He had to start fresh and pick someone new for his life…and he did.

Several months ago I had a choice of two men, two men who are polar opposites of each other (my black and white) and two men whom I both love on different levels and for entirely different reasons. The darker side of me finding a perfect match to my every desire, the vanilla/light side of me finding a perfect match of a long dreamed of future. However, I felt the need to choose one because the vanilla didn’t want to be in a triangle and wanted me for himself.  The darker side wanted me for himself as well, but didn’t mind sharing…some.

So now…here I am later. “Friends” with both of them. Neither is my lover and I am angry. Angry at past choices made, angry about current circumstances, and angry at not having the future I had dreamed of. I know my future is still uncertain, certainly not static, and there are still choices yet to be made that will alter my path, but I am angry at my current path.

So what I thought had been extinguished is in fact not. It’s a burning anger, waiting patiently inside of me, waiting to be stoked. Hopefully, I will indeed be able to extinguish it soon because anger has never been constructive in my life, but I recognize that I need an outlet for it or it will consume me if I allow it.

Another thought occurs to me…I’ve been thinking I live my life in black and white. Maybe I have up until this point. However, if Byron is my black and John is white…does that make me the grey which I have been ignoring up til this point?

A definitive end…

I intended my first post to be how I met my Master, Byron. However, I experienced my first definitive end in a great long while and with his encouragement I’ve made this my first post. I had to say good bye to my ‘vanilla’ life tonight. For those that don’t understand what vanilla may mean, it’s what is deemed ‘normal’ for any that are not in the world of “BDSM”…no kinks, no frills, straight forward sex and this can be applied to sex and the type of relationship that you have. Byron is my Master and my owner. John is my last vanilla relationship and this is the relationship that ended this evening.

For background, I met my Byron approximately 11 years ago. I moved to Oklahoma almost 8 years ago and it was then that we lost contact. I took up my normal living life in Oklahoma and he stayed in Texas and become involved in a 7 year relationship which ended towards the end of last year. He looked me up and found me and we immediately picked up where we had left off with no problems.

While, I had been living my vanilla life in Oklahoma and Byron was living his in Texas, I met John. We met about a year and half ago and we had this amazing connection; however the time and circumstances weren’t right for us when we first met. So we parted ways for a few months. Then in March of last year by chance, we met back up. We found a common ground in the beginning, we were both alcoholics. When we met again in March 2011, he had been sober for two weeks and he was this completely different person than the guy whom I had met the summer prior. He was an inspiration and motivation for me to give up what I had been able to prior to seeing him.

So two weeks after we met I made the decision myself to sober up. He made it so much easier because we were experiencing a lot of the same feelings at the same time and we were able to be there for each other. While we were sobering up and working our recovery we were doing it together and that made life so much easier. It has still been a long difficult journey in and of itself, but we were strong for each other. Somewhere along the way we became involved and were dating after long. It was sweet and loving, and fun. However, in the recovery process there is a term. That term is ‘dry drunk’ and that means that you may have quit the physical act of drinking but your actions and words are still that of an alcoholic. I was to find out in November 2011 that John was in the program but he was a dry drunk. Still repeating the same cycle he had except when he was an active alcoholic but he wasn’t actually drinking.

So the beginning of July 2011 John broke up with me. It was devastating to me. I had lost a lover and friend and more importantly I had lost part of my support system. So for the next few months I just delved into AA and worked the program and gained more support and perspective. Along the way John and I had never really lost contact. Then, in September 2011 Byron found me again and he found me in more ways than. As I have said, we re-sparked immediately. What was there years prior…that was still there and seemed to grow in intensity at an exponential rate. We decided to almost immediately to become master and slave; however that was the extent of relationship for a few months. We had an understanding that if I found someone for with the potential of a relationship we would end what we had begun…easier said than done though.

In October 2011, re-enter John. He wanted us to see each other again but wanted to ‘take it slow’. The first person I told was Byron, because he had become my lover/Master and best friend. So for the next month and many cancellations later John and I were seemed to be repeating a cycle. In AA a very popular saying, “What is the definition of insanity? It’s trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results”. John and I had become locked into insanity. Then at the end October I found out that John had begun drinking again and had been for some time. This was just the absolute worst news I had heard since he broke up with me. I took time to process this and was there for him in any way I could be. I even spent a weekend with him to help him sober up and detox only to have him go back out the following Tuesday and repeat the same process. Then at Thanksgiving he was able to start recovery fully and has been sober since.

So here I am two different worlds. On one side is Byron, my master who I think sometimes knows me better than I know myself and I have developed feelings for him as well. I’ve always had feelings for Byron and he knows this as we have spoken frankly about it several times. On the other side is John, who is a sweet, loving man when he isn’t drinking. A world that is new to me and appeals to the sense of “who I am”, versus a world and life that I have lived 35 years. So being the alcoholic I am…I decided “one more time, one more chance”. John had admitted he his feelings for me at some point and that he wanted to get married eventually and have a baby with me.

I had equally strong feelings for him and this last part appealed to me…a part of me was still clinging to having a vanilla life…a normal life so speak. At this point I wasn’t sure that I wanted the BDSM as a life even though it felt right. So I broke the news to Byron at the beginning of January, John and I had been talking…again. It didn’t go over well to say the least because he had decided he wanted to take our relationship to the next level. However, Byron, being the great master he is understood my reasoning and why it appealed to me. Here I had been straddling the fence, indecisive. Which way do I go? Which way is the right way? I have to make a choice…how do I make this choice when I want both of them and both of these worlds appeal to me on different levels? I KNOW I can’t have both of them. So it’s decision time.

I pick John. I have decided and made the decision if I am going to do this I am going to commit to it. We are great for a little over a month…happy, everything is going smoothly. We meet each other’s kids and it’s even better. We start going on outings together, all of us. John and I have a date night to ourselves once a week. Our sex is straight vanilla, no frills, no fantasy, no kink. I had tried to add a little of the spice from the BDSM to maybe get some satisfaction I found that I was missing. He didn’t want to spank me, he didn’t want to grab me, he didn’t want to punish me, and he didn’t want to be even a little more aggressive. It just didn’t seem to appeal to him. He made some half hearted attempts. Pinching me a little harder, kissing me a little more aggressively. Overall though, it just didn’t appeal to him and I can’t blame him for that, this is what turns me on.

Things slowly start going south and then it goes from bad to worse. John is pulling away and I am trying to keep the lines of communication open, trying to get him to talk to me and tell me what’s going on, because there can’t be a relationship with communication. In my desperate attempts to keep him close, I push him away. Should I be surprised? No.

I keep thinking of the words of encouragement Byron had repeated to me the time we were together. “YOU are awesome” “You deserve the best”. I start to find myself thinking about the times Byron and I spent together and how whole he made me feel even just having a casual conversation. How I had wanted him for so long, for so many years, and I had this opportunity to be with him…and I chose someone else. But, these thoughts aren’t right!! I am with John! I chose John! Not Byron!

As the relationship with John is deteriorating, I find myself fantasizing more and more about BDSM, missing Byron. I am constantly beating myself up because I know it just isn’t right!

John in the meantime has begun his pattern of cancelling again; it’s becoming more and more frequent. I find myself sitting in frustration waiting. Two weeks ago, he cancelled on a Monday night. He sent a text, something to the effect of, ”I can’t make it tonight, I will call later”. I was fed up at this point. I had enough. I told him it was getting old and not to worry about calling later. Typically when this happens we talk the next day and the pattern is to act as if nothing happened. This time was different. I attempted to contact him, by text and calling, all with no success. Our tribulation period had reached an end. I sent a “Dear John” letter on Thursday by e-mail…no response. I took him his stuff he had kept at my house…no response.

During this time I have made the realization that I had been denying myself this entire time. Attempting to change who I was and not even realizing it. The fault which I had been placing squarely on John was equally my fault! How could I make him happy when I wasn’t happy with myself even though I hadn’t realized it? So two weeks had passed and I finally heard from John Saturday. He wanted to talk, but he had his son. We talked Sunday and then we met tonight for coffee. We danced around the elephant in the room some before I built up the courage to let him know, I’ve made some decisions about my life and taken some steps to change it in the past few weeks. I told him about the move first. I’ve decided I want to move back to Texas. OK first one down. Now the big one…can I do it? As, I am sitting there working up the courage to tell him, because I know this will be a ‘definitive end’ to a part of my life. Over the speaker comes, Kelly Clarkson’s song “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger”. Deep breathe. “John, I can’t go down this road again with you”, John says, “I kind of picked up on that”. I manage to say with tears choking me, “Well, the guy in Texas that I told you about before? We are talking again. I am working on building back up the trust with him”. John’s eyes slightly tear up and he slightly nods his head in understanding. Then it is time to go.

We walk out together, hug and a small kiss followed by another hug and a good bye. I start walking away and as I am walking away I am crying. It’s happened, I’ve let go of my vanilla life…I let go of John. The past two weeks that I hadn’t heard from John, Byron and I have begun talking again. We both miss each other, but I know that going back to Byron isn’t going to be easy. I am going to have to work for it; I am going to have to earn it. I am more than ready to grovel for his forgiveness, for leaving him.

I haven’t had this clarity in awhile. It’s been a long and winding road, with many detours and stops along the way. Tonight was the “definitive end” of my vanilla and an exciting beginning for me and my Master. I am ready to embrace who I am, to give myself wholly to my Master. First I know I will have to punished, and I eagerly welcome this punishment because I know I have been a naughty slave.