A swing and a miss

Have you ever felt like you were missing something? Something important, like some event was evasively eluding your grasp? This feeling passed over me today and it feels like a concept that I should be getting but I’m not. Almost like an epiphany is dancing on the outskirts of my mind, traipsing in and out of the fog that borders on the idea of something brilliant. However, it’s not quite ready to show itself yet.

Honestly, I’m not even sure that it is my epiphany. I’ve been caught in this state of flux for the past three+ months and very few things have been clear in regards to the path of my future. The one thing I could count on and take what comfort I could was  my relationship with my Sir. Except now, this last week, we have been in the regions of the unknown. I can now mark him firmly in the column of the unidentified when it comes to my future and that is quite disconcerting for me.

We saw each other last weekend and two events marked the weekend as unsuccessful for us. I won’t go into many details even though I’ve shared many gory details in prior posts, I do believe that some things should be left unsaid and between the two people who are involved. These events were my transgressions and I accept complete culpability in how things went down this last weekend.

Since prior to starting the new adventure in our relationship of being “poly” together we realized that the key to any good relationship is open, honest communication. Complete and total transparency for lack of a better description. This is new territory for me, yet something I had always craved in a relationship and always felt as if it were one sided in my past vanilla relationships. Byron and I had already experienced this together some, but not the degree that is required when it comes to looking for, finding, and then introducing a third into an established relationship. Our end goal is not for there to be a primary, secondary, or even tertiary; but to feel compersion and love and understanding equally amongst the three of us.

We were on the hunt for the mythical elusive unicorn that seems to be so sought after by many in our community. What happens though when the initially base relationship hits the rocks?? The hunt stops. Hopefully only momentarily, since I was tasked by Sir with finding our third lover and it was something I was quite excited about doing.

Byron said he had been thinking on this task for some time. One reason I was tasked with this is because of the last attempt to find a third. It happened to coincide with the second as well, however the second flamed out much faster then the first or third. The first was a failed attempt because she couldn’t come to terms with some practices and necessities for Byron. In all three I had never fully come into the picture. I ended up knowing the second, however, I believe that the strength of this was also it’s downfall. It became to real to fast for the second and she flaked out.

So onto attempt three, Lexie. She is a submissive and familiar with the lifestyle, however new to the concept of poly and having a third person involved. Byron was very honest and upfront with Lexie, that I was in the picture and that he and I were poly and that I was not going anywhere. The attraction quickly grew between them, however from what I had learned from the information Byron had given me, Lexie wasn’t entirely sure that she was up for the poly part. Eventually, Lexie concluded that she thought that she could be okay with sharing Byron separately from me but that she wasn’t sure she could fully encompass the idea of poly. Essentially, she was wanting and thinking in terms of an open relationship, however, that was not our goal.

I was none too pleased to hear about this, Byron thought that she may eventually come around to the idea of poly though and continued his budding romance with Lexie. They met and started seeing each other more often, but he kept holding off on really talking about poly with her. I kept waiting, trying to practice patience and compersion and be jealous free, but it was a task that was daunting for me. I had armed myself with the knowledge and know how, to actually put it in practice was a whole different beast. I did have problems with attempt one, however she was more open to poly and what it entailed then Lexie was, so I had grown more accepting in the short time that she was in the picture.

A new revelation had occurred in their sporadic conversations regarding poly. Lexie’s main concern was now that she wasn’t sure that she was in it for poly at all. Her main concern was now that she would develop even more feelings for him and eventually want him all to herself. In keeping with the open and honest communication that we had established, I eventually felt that I had the right to really voice my concerns. I didn’t want to force the issue, however I felt that we were quickly coming up to a line that once it was passed would be slippery and dangerous for all involved. The further they went into this romantic relationship the more there would be feelings involved.

So, one night I just laid all my cards on the table. The path that we were currently on wasn’t what I had agreed to in the beginning and I didn’t like how events were unfolding. I was having problems dealing with the changes and wasn’t sure that she was a fit for ‘us’. I knew they had the beginning of something wonderful from what Byron had told me, but I couldn’t see where I fit into the picture.

The result of my conversation with Byron ended up in a deep serious discussion with Lexie the following night. They were supposed to see each other but it didn’t work out to where they could. So following the path of their regular communication it came out that Lexie’s thinking was still that she would want Byron for herself with me not involved in any way. That is the night that their relationship ended, but they’ve continued to maintain a friendship.

There is a reason for my regaling of this story. It comes back to our communication and how it resulted in the negative impact of this last weekend.   The gist of what happened is that I took the open, honest communication too far. I took a trivial matter and became noticeably upset about it…twice.

I reacted real-time and badly at that. I expected an outcome and when faced with something different became sullen and moody. Even though logically there were explanations both times and I knew it when I was reacting but I felt, I guess …a little entitled to have the reaction because I was being ‘open and honest’ when in all reality I was being quite selfish. I took advantage of  our communication and used it to make me feel better in that moment not fully considering the repercussions of that self-satisfaction I felt I needed. I had done it somewhat with Lexie and now not just once but twice in the same weekend.

The events of last weekend culminated in a conversation hours after the start of our New Year in which Byron told me that he was considering breaking up with me. If I react like this now, then there will surely be future incidents as well. Now, we are at the point where I am giving him his space and giving him time to consider whether or not he wants to move forward in our relationship.

I am not done fighting though. I don’t like change, but change is just a basic fact of life. This is one fact that has become even more poignantly clear in the past months. I’ve overcome many things in my life and still continue some fights on a daily basis. I feel as if our relationship is salvageable, because I am ready and willing to break loose of the shackles that bind me to my past relationships and move forward on a better path.  I want a healthy and loving relationship and I want it with Byron.

Byron centers me. When I am with him and in his arms I feel peace. Peace from the torments and agonies of every day life. I’ve never felt that with anyone before….it’s been close but the total content that I feel with him is just so soothing and reassuring.  When I am with him, I know…I know I am safe and he will protect me in any way that he can. These revelations may be for naught. Byron hasn’t made his decision. I’m not entirely sure he feels the same way when he is with me but I like to think so. I can only hope and fight for what I want and I will continue to do so.

So, I stand on the brink of an epiphany. One that may not be mine, but does involve me. I believe the epiphany is to be had by Byron, but am not 100% positive. What he decides about us now or in the near future will determine how my future unfolds. I know I will and can survive without Byron, but it’s a world that quite frankly scares me. We went several years at one point with little to no contact and he was never fully gone from my thoughts. I reached out to him on occasion if only to just let him know that I was still here.  Now with everything being so uncertain, I can only hope and pray that my future is a future with him.

Hiatus

So many things have happened since my last post. However, I had to take a step back from my blog. I couldn’t handle the emotional turbulence it had me going through. So many negative emotions rolling through me and I was actually trying to pick up the pieces of my life. But little did I know it would get worse before it got better. Byron has encouraged me in the past weeks to pick up my writing again, but I have been hesitant. He finally tasked me with it last night since I was putting it off for as long as possible. My deadline was today.

To pick up where I last left off: I continued my friendship into yet another relationship with John, this one so much more destructive than any prior. He had relapsed in his alcoholism and I followed him down that path in July…on my birthday to be exact. Shortly after I had relapsed I heard from Byron, after an almost 6 month self imposed silence from me. We started out as just friends and I continued on with the relationship with John while trying to maintain a friendship with Byron. However, my heart has always yearned for more than friendship with Byron. I went for a visit to see him…resolute that nothing would happen. However, I knew and he knew if I was pushed hard enough that my resolve would crumble….and it did. Then another visit and tryst followed before I realized I couldn’t do this.

Byron and Shanan were nearing the end of their relationship which had turned monogamous since I had been released. He had never had the chance to further explore polyamory as he had stated with me because she didn’t want to share him in that way. So both Byron and I were going down the same path in the relationships we had found outside of each other. In the meantime, our chemistry, our fire…it had never died it was still there and was it ever still alive! But I had to put my foot down. I couldn’t and wouldn’t settle for that in between area. So I laid it down, we can only be friends. He understood and agreed, though neither one of us wanted to live in the friendship zone. We both needed to find out what was going on with John and Shanan in our lives.

In October, the dust finally cleared and Byron asked me, “Will you try Poly with me”. He initially asked me before I had made the final separation from John. I told him we needed to discuss what our expectations were and we did for the next two weeks. The time finally came, I was done with John and trying. I was living in my self-imposed nightmare of alcoholism and was ready to give it up and knew I would have to in order to be with Byron and what our relationship would entail. I ended it with John and a few days later asked Byron to ask me again and I said yes. Two days later I quit drinking.

So Byron and I are together, truly together for the first time since we have known each other. We are searching for our third to complete our poly triad and it has been a task in and of itself. We’ve had three potentials and three fails so far. We are in search of the mythical “unicorn” to complete what we are looking for.

I’ve had troubles myself in accepting a third. But keeping an open, honest and communicative dialog with Byron has helped with this immensely. I keep reading and studying up on the poly because I like to arm myself with knowledge when I am facing something as daunting as compersion and a relationship without jealousy. Which is vital when it comes to poly relationships. Applying that knowledge has been the challenge.

It feels great to be writing again. I look forward to doing it more often and have completed my hiatus away.

Up and down…down and up

I woke up this morning and was excited. Today is the day of our lunch date! I wasn’t really looking forward to the talking part of the lunch, but was still excited. So I woke and went about my routine, coffee…strong coffee. I did my hair, messed around online and packed an overnight bagjust in case.Just in case the conversation went as well as I hoped it would with Byron. I went to get on the road and my anti theft system tripped in my car so I had to reset it…no big deal I started my makeup while waiting. The 10 minute waiting period was over and I start the car. I look up in the mirror and lo and behold a Jehovah’s witness walks up to me in my car. I am not a rude person in general, so I listened to what she said and took the pamphlet. She had said she wanted to catch me before I drove off and could she schedule a time to come back and visit? I politely declined and finally pulled out. I wanted more coffee so a quick stop at Starbucks…not so quick. The line was long and I had enough time to finish my makeup. So an additional 40 minutes had elapsed due to delays…bugger!

I finally get on the road and haul ass. About midway I let Byron know I was running late. I ended up getting there around 1245…of course I drove 80-85 mph the majority of the way. I was the rabbit for several people to get behind hoping I would get the ticket on not them. I actually made it to the restaurant before Byron.

We met inside with a pleasant hug and a warm greeting and big smiles. I was after all happy to be there. We were seated and he made the comment that I was ‘wearing attitude’, shortly after he explained it wasn’t to him but to the waitress. He said I was acting like she was interrupting my happy time, which I suppose she was. Plus, I wasn’t too keen on this particular waitress. We ate our meal with some general conversation, our conversations are always good though. I have never spent time with Byron that I regret. We laughed and talked and laughed some more.

Then the time came for the talk. We basically rehashed everything that we had already talked about and came to a better understanding of it. He explained that he doesn’t want monogamous right now and he’s not sure if he would, the term he used was poly amorous relationship. I explained that yes, I do want a monogamous M/s relationship with him however I had never experienced a poly amorous relationship so I couldn’t discount it entirely but that I was willing to give it a trial period and see if it’s something that suited me or not. I’ve spent my entire life living vanilla had vanilla expectations the entire time and that these expectations and ways of thinking are not easily over ridden, he seemed to think that what I wanted was a M/s relationship on the inside and vanilla on the outside. Which I guess it could be put that way, but further explained that in my reading and research in our lifestyle that this kind of relationship is not unheard of in our new world.

There are many, many different levels of relationships and there are even collaring ceremonies to signify the commitment of the M/s. I just read one where there are two sets of married couples and a Master in one and a slave in the other and they had a collaring ceremony. It’s all in the interpretation and what is agreed upon and acceptable for the parties involved. It takes much discussion and even more trust to be able to pull this off. It is my belief that Byron and I can make this work in some way form or fashion.

The conversation ended with me giving Byron what he wanted in the first place. For him to have both women he wanted in the fashion that he wanted. I would know within a few months if this is something that I could do or not, or if I should really start searching for another Master more suited to my desires. HOWEVER, Byron cares for me a lot and he doesn’t want to see me hurt in the long run. So he has decided to take my decision into his hands. He wants to determine if this is something he can allow me to do and in the mean time we are ‘friends’.

WTF??? BOGGLING! I give you what you wanted in the first place and now you are not willing to outright accept what I have to offer! I understand his reasoning and motivation in doing this…I really do. To me this is yet another example in my life where I try to take control of my destiny only to have that control taken by someone else that thinks they know what is best for me…and I told him as much. I had to take a few minutes and gather myself up before I could do this. He had just thrown the word “friend” at me again after all. I choked down the urge to cry and yell in frustration and recomposed myself in the public venue we were in.

I still wanted to spend the day with him as I planned. We decided to go do some shopping at the local mall and catch a movie. We had decided on Wrath of the Titans. We are both extreme action movie lovers and this had fantasy involved as well, score! So we started with our shopping, we didn’t hold hands and fawn over each other but we visited three stores and each of the three stores I had employees give us cutesy smiles are make reference to or ask if we were a couple. This of course is very pleasing to me, to know that we are that comfortable enough with each other that we are mistaken for a couple….*grins* hahaha.

We went to go buy tickets for the movie only to find out we had chosen the wrong venue. As we were walking to the car a storm started to blow in. Byron didn’t want to be in an unfamiliar place during a storm, since we are in tornado alley. We ended up going back to his place to watch movies. First we watch The Fifth Element and then Clash of the Titans (go figure hehe).

Just being in proximity of Byron gets me stimulated and all nice and horny, but I have to behave! We are on a friendship level until we get the air cleared! We were both laying on his bed and we were both sure to keep a distance between us. Then eventually a leg or a hand would touch and we would both pull back. Then he would lounge on me for a bit only to pull back, a little disappointing yes. At one point he had his back to me and he always loves his back rubbed, so I reached out and rubbed his back for a few minutes. The off and on touching continued until eventually he pulled me into his arms.

This is something I had been resisting the urge to do. When we watch movies it’s typically with his arm around me and my head on his chest, of course this typically leads to us not watching the movie as well. So I am content with being held. Meanwhile I am giving him chest and belly rubbings which he loves just as much as the back. Then his hand slowly rubs my back and I feel the electric like jolt from head to toe and centering in the pit of my stomach…it increases as I feel his hand make contact with the skin of my lower back, I sigh and go still, thoroughly enjoying his touch. Then he stops, I was pretty obvious that I enjoyed it. So we lay there together and finish watching the movie in the fashion that I had wanted. We watched two whole movies uninterrupted…a first I must say!

He then turns off the monitor and we are in the dark with little lighting and snuggling each other while I continue my pretty much non stop rubbing. I never delve any lower than the stomach as I have not been invited or instructed to do so. I am still trying to maintain the friendship level defense, although that wall is quickly being torn down. Then his hand starts moving on my back again, initially above the shirt and then slowly he makes contact with my skin again. By this time my nerves and anticipation are on fire! His hand on my skin is sending shivers of delight through me. He keeps working his way up my back and then he reaches one spot in particular and I experience an almost orgasmic sensation when he does.

He had reached the lower part of my shoulder-blade on the side and he quickly figured out that he could concentrate on this one spot in particular and it was sheer ecstasy. He would run up and it was delightful, but it was the down stroke that had me in his grip. He started rubbing and manipulating and then using his fingernails and the more pressure and pain he applied to this area the closer to orgasm I became. It was immobilizing, I had never experienced this before. He had raked his nails down my back which was wonderful but nowhere near this amount of pleasure!

He further escalated the pain and pressure, I am not sure to what degree because the more he gave me the more that I wanted. He had brought me to orgasm by my shoulder! Byron loves to hear me cum and to watch me as I do, so he repeated this process several times. At one point he commanded me not to stop rubbing his chest because I had several times already. I was able to concentrate enough to keep rubbing while he worked me into and through another orgasm. Then he wanted to see if he could do this same thing and get the same result on the other side, so I rolled over and it was almost immediate.

At this point he got up to smoke and get a beverage and as he got up he firmly spanked my ass with a resounding smack! Ahhhhh! When he returned I was still laying in my prone position on my left side facing the wall. He laid back down and I went to get up but he firmly pressed at the small of back with his hand indicating for me to remain where I was. He rolled over and started rubbing my ass. I was still on the high of my previous orgasms and this was just as pleasurable. Then…SMACK! He spanked me again…eliciting a moan of pleasure from me and then he rubbed….and SMACK! He continued spanking me for several minutes and resulted in yet another orgasm!

All of this pleasure and we hadn’t even taken our clothes off!