A swing and a miss

Have you ever felt like you were missing something? Something important, like some event was evasively eluding your grasp? This feeling passed over me today and it feels like a concept that I should be getting but I’m not. Almost like an epiphany is dancing on the outskirts of my mind, traipsing in and out of the fog that borders on the idea of something brilliant. However, it’s not quite ready to show itself yet.

Honestly, I’m not even sure that it is my epiphany. I’ve been caught in this state of flux for the past three+ months and very few things have been clear in regards to the path of my future. The one thing I could count on and take what comfort I could was  my relationship with my Sir. Except now, this last week, we have been in the regions of the unknown. I can now mark him firmly in the column of the unidentified when it comes to my future and that is quite disconcerting for me.

We saw each other last weekend and two events marked the weekend as unsuccessful for us. I won’t go into many details even though I’ve shared many gory details in prior posts, I do believe that some things should be left unsaid and between the two people who are involved. These events were my transgressions and I accept complete culpability in how things went down this last weekend.

Since prior to starting the new adventure in our relationship of being “poly” together we realized that the key to any good relationship is open, honest communication. Complete and total transparency for lack of a better description. This is new territory for me, yet something I had always craved in a relationship and always felt as if it were one sided in my past vanilla relationships. Byron and I had already experienced this together some, but not the degree that is required when it comes to looking for, finding, and then introducing a third into an established relationship. Our end goal is not for there to be a primary, secondary, or even tertiary; but to feel compersion and love and understanding equally amongst the three of us.

We were on the hunt for the mythical elusive unicorn that seems to be so sought after by many in our community. What happens though when the initially base relationship hits the rocks?? The hunt stops. Hopefully only momentarily, since I was tasked by Sir with finding our third lover and it was something I was quite excited about doing.

Byron said he had been thinking on this task for some time. One reason I was tasked with this is because of the last attempt to find a third. It happened to coincide with the second as well, however the second flamed out much faster then the first or third. The first was a failed attempt because she couldn’t come to terms with some practices and necessities for Byron. In all three I had never fully come into the picture. I ended up knowing the second, however, I believe that the strength of this was also it’s downfall. It became to real to fast for the second and she flaked out.

So onto attempt three, Lexie. She is a submissive and familiar with the lifestyle, however new to the concept of poly and having a third person involved. Byron was very honest and upfront with Lexie, that I was in the picture and that he and I were poly and that I was not going anywhere. The attraction quickly grew between them, however from what I had learned from the information Byron had given me, Lexie wasn’t entirely sure that she was up for the poly part. Eventually, Lexie concluded that she thought that she could be okay with sharing Byron separately from me but that she wasn’t sure she could fully encompass the idea of poly. Essentially, she was wanting and thinking in terms of an open relationship, however, that was not our goal.

I was none too pleased to hear about this, Byron thought that she may eventually come around to the idea of poly though and continued his budding romance with Lexie. They met and started seeing each other more often, but he kept holding off on really talking about poly with her. I kept waiting, trying to practice patience and compersion and be jealous free, but it was a task that was daunting for me. I had armed myself with the knowledge and know how, to actually put it in practice was a whole different beast. I did have problems with attempt one, however she was more open to poly and what it entailed then Lexie was, so I had grown more accepting in the short time that she was in the picture.

A new revelation had occurred in their sporadic conversations regarding poly. Lexie’s main concern was now that she wasn’t sure that she was in it for poly at all. Her main concern was now that she would develop even more feelings for him and eventually want him all to herself. In keeping with the open and honest communication that we had established, I eventually felt that I had the right to really voice my concerns. I didn’t want to force the issue, however I felt that we were quickly coming up to a line that once it was passed would be slippery and dangerous for all involved. The further they went into this romantic relationship the more there would be feelings involved.

So, one night I just laid all my cards on the table. The path that we were currently on wasn’t what I had agreed to in the beginning and I didn’t like how events were unfolding. I was having problems dealing with the changes and wasn’t sure that she was a fit for ‘us’. I knew they had the beginning of something wonderful from what Byron had told me, but I couldn’t see where I fit into the picture.

The result of my conversation with Byron ended up in a deep serious discussion with Lexie the following night. They were supposed to see each other but it didn’t work out to where they could. So following the path of their regular communication it came out that Lexie’s thinking was still that she would want Byron for herself with me not involved in any way. That is the night that their relationship ended, but they’ve continued to maintain a friendship.

There is a reason for my regaling of this story. It comes back to our communication and how it resulted in the negative impact of this last weekend.   The gist of what happened is that I took the open, honest communication too far. I took a trivial matter and became noticeably upset about it…twice.

I reacted real-time and badly at that. I expected an outcome and when faced with something different became sullen and moody. Even though logically there were explanations both times and I knew it when I was reacting but I felt, I guess …a little entitled to have the reaction because I was being ‘open and honest’ when in all reality I was being quite selfish. I took advantage of  our communication and used it to make me feel better in that moment not fully considering the repercussions of that self-satisfaction I felt I needed. I had done it somewhat with Lexie and now not just once but twice in the same weekend.

The events of last weekend culminated in a conversation hours after the start of our New Year in which Byron told me that he was considering breaking up with me. If I react like this now, then there will surely be future incidents as well. Now, we are at the point where I am giving him his space and giving him time to consider whether or not he wants to move forward in our relationship.

I am not done fighting though. I don’t like change, but change is just a basic fact of life. This is one fact that has become even more poignantly clear in the past months. I’ve overcome many things in my life and still continue some fights on a daily basis. I feel as if our relationship is salvageable, because I am ready and willing to break loose of the shackles that bind me to my past relationships and move forward on a better path.  I want a healthy and loving relationship and I want it with Byron.

Byron centers me. When I am with him and in his arms I feel peace. Peace from the torments and agonies of every day life. I’ve never felt that with anyone before….it’s been close but the total content that I feel with him is just so soothing and reassuring.  When I am with him, I know…I know I am safe and he will protect me in any way that he can. These revelations may be for naught. Byron hasn’t made his decision. I’m not entirely sure he feels the same way when he is with me but I like to think so. I can only hope and fight for what I want and I will continue to do so.

So, I stand on the brink of an epiphany. One that may not be mine, but does involve me. I believe the epiphany is to be had by Byron, but am not 100% positive. What he decides about us now or in the near future will determine how my future unfolds. I know I will and can survive without Byron, but it’s a world that quite frankly scares me. We went several years at one point with little to no contact and he was never fully gone from my thoughts. I reached out to him on occasion if only to just let him know that I was still here.  Now with everything being so uncertain, I can only hope and pray that my future is a future with him.

Anything but pretty little lies

My relationship hangs on the precipice of change…it can be swayed either way at this point. Of course, my inevitable hope is that it sways towards the good. This is something I’ve longed for longer than even before I was introduced to the idea that I was a submissive. A relationship 12 years in the making, though through the course of fate never had a chance to blossom until recently. Even still in the blossoming, the potential has yet to be fully realized and may not have a chance to be. Yet, it still could.
I’ve had a hell of a time these last months and a conversation today makes me wonder about all of those pretty little lies I tell myself to get through the week, day, hour or second. My alcoholic addled brain sometimes has only the ability to deal with what’s directly in front of me. It’s what they teach in AA, “When one day at a time doesn’t work, take it one hour at a time, if you can’t deal with that, take it one minute at time…still not enough?? Then one second at a time”. They teach this because the alcoholic in me will grasp at any straw it can in order to get me to take that drink. It lies to me and convinces me that I can handle this, just one drink…just one bottle…just one night…just one. But that’s what it does, it keeps growing until it fully has control.
Living one hour, minute, or second at a time makes a long day. It’s necessary to break it down to deal with the here and now. However, what happens if you feel you are the only person dealing with it ‘now’, trying to fight a battle that you don’t know exactly what you are fighting for? Trying to stay steadfast in a continual internal war? I can answer that… it makes for a longer day.
So, I did something I couldn’t monetarily afford to do, but had to find reprieve from the depression and madness I felt I was spiraling towards. I went to party tonight at the Castle. I did this with full knowledge that there would be booze in hand by several people in attendance. I felt I could handle it if I compartmentalized myself to the few people I knew wouldn’t let me sway. The one time I let myself be left alone and I was faced with a sweet tantalizing offer to imbibe my thirst. I gripped my sobriety even more fiercely than I had all day and resisted the urge…again.
My alcoholism has been sneaky today, with my current life and relationship situation, it has ample ammunition to work with. It’s been whispering those pretty little lies of sweet abandon from the tumultuous life I am currently living. Promising to whisk them away with every drop of nectar I drink. The fact that I refer to alcohol as nectar shows how far in I’ve let the sneaky little bastard creep into my thoughts. However, in my mind, I’ve given in and my resolve has been weak today. I went as far as to plan to stop by the liquor store on my way to the party and then find a way to sneak it in to my drink. Then, on my drive home, I passed an old frequented bar and glanced at the clock and realized I could make it for last call.
I resisted, I stood fast and I was still emotionally bombarded when I got home. It’s my beloved Pixie who asked, “Is it worth it? I believe you have more value than that”, to which I replied, “My alcoholic brain says it is”, to which she replied, “It lies”. So simplistic and direct, she shot straight to the point of what I had lied to myself about all day long. Lies, it’s all lies. The alcoholism is constantly waiting for me to give in and with the help of a friend I was able to fend it off for another day. Tomorrow, the cycle will repeat and I will try to discern truth from lies and find comfort in it, even if it’s only a little…at least it’s some.
71 days or 1685 hours sober and counting…

I can’t stop for a moment

If I stop for even a second, I think about you.  Sometimes I am filled with sadness, at times anger, at other times I smile. Mostly I am filled with a loneliness and desire that I don’t know how to channel. It’s taken me longer than I thought. So I busy myself, so I can’t stop or pause.

I’ve tried to write about other happenings in my life, but I always hit a block when it comes to anything but you. So I stopped writing. It helped… some. I know you’ve moved on and found another. I know that she is just as much, if not more, fulfilling in your life than I was. I think that’s what hurts the most.

I am not dwelling, I am trying to move forward and piece myself back together, but it’s a long, hard, bumpy road. At the worst times I find myself wanting to reach out to you, but I won’t let myself as I am not sure if it would help or hinder me. I’ve had just as many hard times in the last weeks than I have good times. When the scales tip to the dark side I have to reach out and struggle to get balanced or back to the light side but you are always there.

I’ve made some progress, I’ve made new friends and I’ve reached out into the community…I even have a social life now. This helps fill some of the time in between. The new relationships I’ve forged have helped heal me some both internally and externally. I’ve found my Pixie and she is amazing, truly. I hope for a long friendship with her.

I miss you as a lover and I miss you as a friend, but I can’t stop or I find I can’t breathe. If I stop you wash over me.

Hopefully…soon

A burning anger

A burning anger, I thought it had subsided, however I suppose it has not passed yet. It’s only been a little over a week since Byron released me so I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that I still feel anger, but I thought this weekend had cured me of this ailment. I do see anger as an ailment because sometimes it consumes the soul and devours the person who inhabits this body of mine. I try not to let it take control and most times I am successful.

Why the anger? I’ve actually processed this and brought it to light. I am angry at mostly myself, but then there is Byron. I held Byron above all others and trusted he wouldn’t let me down, but a part of me feels that he did let me down. I trusted that he would let me make the choice and not strip me of my right to choose the direction of my life (love life in this instance) and instead he did what everyone else has done.He made the choice and that choice ended in the rejection of me.

I am angry because he has a sub/slave already in place and waiting for him. I know this one isn’t justified, but I still feel it…it doesn’t stop because I know I am wrong to be angry on this one, it’s still there.  After all, did I not do something similar back in January when I chose John for Byron? He had no back up at that time, he was where I am at now. He had to start fresh and pick someone new for his life…and he did.

Several months ago I had a choice of two men, two men who are polar opposites of each other (my black and white) and two men whom I both love on different levels and for entirely different reasons. The darker side of me finding a perfect match to my every desire, the vanilla/light side of me finding a perfect match of a long dreamed of future. However, I felt the need to choose one because the vanilla didn’t want to be in a triangle and wanted me for himself.  The darker side wanted me for himself as well, but didn’t mind sharing…some.

So now…here I am later. “Friends” with both of them. Neither is my lover and I am angry. Angry at past choices made, angry about current circumstances, and angry at not having the future I had dreamed of. I know my future is still uncertain, certainly not static, and there are still choices yet to be made that will alter my path, but I am angry at my current path.

So what I thought had been extinguished is in fact not. It’s a burning anger, waiting patiently inside of me, waiting to be stoked. Hopefully, I will indeed be able to extinguish it soon because anger has never been constructive in my life, but I recognize that I need an outlet for it or it will consume me if I allow it.

Another thought occurs to me…I’ve been thinking I live my life in black and white. Maybe I have up until this point. However, if Byron is my black and John is white…does that make me the grey which I have been ignoring up til this point?

Byron

So, eventually, when I am in a better head-space and can handle the emotional pounding it will bring, I plan on writing the meeting and history of Byron and myself. It is a really good story, and it is a story that hopefully has not ended. As Byron said our story is classic romance. Now, however, is not that time as I am still in the grieving process.

As an update, we are still friends. In every sense of the word. We talk and it is cordial, we aren’t back to warm and inviting yet, but hopefully one day we will be there. We don’t text and we don’t talk everyday, both of these things I miss but if he is still in the same state I am in, then limited contact is best. Right now I find it difficult not to talk and have some BDSM or M/s talk involved or just my feelings in general. I hadn’t realized how entwined in our conversations BDSM had become and I don’t want to keep rehashing my feelings, although it would be somewhat comforting to know he is still suffering, if even just a little. Twisted? I think so yes, but I just feel alone in this right now.

We went the whole weekend without talking, but then Sunday we did converse some over messenger. Today was a difficult day for me in general though. I miss Byron, I miss everything. I miss his face, his voice, our talks, the cuddling, the sex, the hanging out, the movies and the laughs. Boy do I miss the laughs. We had a habit of him sitting at the computer going through funny videos or links he found and we would just crack up at them. Before that I can’t remember the last time I laughed so thoroughly. The kind of laugh that carries you on a high long after it is over.

Something that’s been rolling through my head is that I’ve always had a difficult time describing Byron to my friends. Many of my old friends know about him, all I have to do is say “Remember that one guy that I liked for so long in Texas? I KNOW I talked about him…tall, dark, handsome, kind of goth-like? Darker side? I just couldn’t get enough of him?” This would jog their memory and they would be like “Oh yeeeeaaahhh, I remember!”.

Well, in the last few years I have become a fan of Shinedown (if you don’t know their music then you should) and even more so of their front man Brent Smith! There is a reason why…he reminds me so much of Byron! He’s not a spitting image, but there is a strong resemblance…avery strong resemblance. It has some to do with looks, but it also has to do with the aura of the person. Looking at Brent reminds me of Byron and that in turn makes me weak at the knees and a little light-headed LOL!

So I’ve included pics Brent and now you can see why Byron has the ability to melt my heart and make me wet with just a glance…

My heart, always and forever

Cherie, where to start with Cherie. She my oldest intact friendship and one of my four best friends, all of whom I love fiercely. But Cherie…she is my heart, we have been there for each other in countless ways and this weekend she was there for me. I am not sure this weekend would’ve been healthy for me and she knew. She knew going into this weekend something was wrong, we have that kind of friendship, we can read each other well enough to know whether something is wrong or going smashingly well. As always, I believe a little history is best:

Cherie and I actually did not start out as best friends. We met when I was 9 and she was 5, but I was best friends with her oldest sister first, Jean. An unhealthy friendship from the beginning and that lasted for several years after. I actually met the family when my father was stationed in England and their father was as well. This was back in the 80’s. Jean and I remained in contact after my father was re-stationed to an Air Base in Nevada and remained friends into the 90’s.  I was then living in Arkansas and this was Dad’s final station. In the military when you retire you get a final move to where ever you choose. Dad chose Oklahoma due to family and it happened that Cherie and Jean’s dad had family in Oklahoma as well, in the same city in fact.

So I decided to move to Oklahoma several months before Mom and Dad moved. I was to be moving in with my second family. I was overjoyed! With Jean and I being best friends, we would now also be roommates. We were older now and the manipulative games she used to play, I was no longer okay with.  So I found a common ground with her two youngest sisters who were at home due to the young age. So I am now 19 almost 20 and Cherie is 15 going on 16. We bonded quickly and were inseparable, we even worked at the same restaurant for a while.

After I was forced to move out, because Cherie’s Mum thought I was a bad influence on her, I lived with a boyfriend at the time and when that went bad I moved back in with my parents. I then met and married my now ex-husband and that failed as well and I moved BACK in with my parents. My Dad then got a job with the Civil Service and I was pregnant and wasn’t able to support myself and a baby, or so I thought at the time, so I moved with them to Texas.

Cherie had fallen in love with her now ex-husband. He enlisted in the military himself and had been stationed in Florida. So off they moved.

Cherie and I lost contact for a long while, but we were to find later never far from each others hearts. Before I moved back to Oklahoma from Texas, I had come for a visit to see Mom and we had gone to see a family friend. We were driving and I mentioned that we would be passing Cherie’s family’s house and she insisted we stop. Little did I know that Cherie had left her husband and moved back in with her parents. So we sat and visited on the front porch for a bit and then a few months later when I moved back we became inseparable again.

That was 7, almost 8, yrs ago now. We reconnected and went buck wild let me tell you. I hadn’t really wanted to move back to Oklahoma those years ago and was deeply unhappy about it (a part of me still is) and I shared this with her. She wasn’t happy where she was at either and we both found comfort in partying together. We spent every weekend together and it was all at my house. I’ve come to realize now that it was like we were in a relationship together. We even slept in the same bed and almost crossed the line sexually once or twice. But, I could never do it, I never want to lose this friendship and drunk or not I knew that crossing the line would make that possible.

We had a major fight at one point because we were so inseparable, we became sick of each other. We after all were not in a relationship and were just friends and we quit talking after for a short but agonizing period. This period of time was needed for both of us though. When we kissed and made up we were a hundred times stronger in our bond and love than we were before.

She is now a single mother herself and works hard to be able to support her and her little monkey, so we rarely get to see each other, but we text and talk often, thank God for the modern-day social networking that is now available to us. We are both busy with life itself and dealing with our own personal dramas. We sometimes go months without seeing each other, however when we do get to see each other it’s always amazing.

Soooo, this weekend! She came in Friday afternoon and was there when I got home from work. I was early from work because the weatherman were forecasting doom and gloom in the form of tornado’s on and off all weekend. There were actually tornado’s that ripped through some cities in our area. But, she got there Friday and we planned on going to the movies while my daughter watched her lil monkey. On the way there and back and I filled her in on all the details of the past week.

How I had gone to see Byron and the talk we had. That at the end of the talk he had taken the decision away from me. The evening that followed, all of it, including the sexual encounter and the conversation that followed after with him asking me to leave. And that a few days, he had released me.

She never showed me pity, she showed me love and understanding. She knows my heart is broken in this. Cherie was amazed and flabbergasted at this turn of events and still believes, as I do, that he was brought into my life for a reason. The look on her face was pure shock and surprise. If anyone knows the path I have been down with men and relationships and finding myself, it’s Cherie. Speculation was made on how much of a hand that Shanan had played in this, Cherie believes a lot more than any of us may realize. I explained to her that I have no idea and I still don’t really want to know…that relationship is between Byron and Shanan and that I can only base opinion off of what I know and that isn’t much, so I try not to speculate to far on the subject of Shanan.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had the same thoughts but Cherie was the one to speak the actual words. Once she voiced the words, I joined in the conversation and speculated myself, but that is all that it is… speculation. I could ask Byron for more details, but then I am left with my same problem, I’m just not sure I really want to get to know Shanan better from Byron’s perspective and I seriously doubt he would share that type of information with me anyway. Since that information would probably hurt me in the short and long-term.

Cherie has always found fault in the men I choose (and for good reason) and I know she only knows him from my perspective. However, she is still usually has a good read on people and their intentions and she has never wavered in the fact that she likes Byron even though she has never met him. She sees the journey that I have taken with him as nothing but positive and she was sure to let me know this. She sees the overall brighter, happier, more confident and stronger woman I have become with him back in my life.

So we spent this last weekend together and she comforted me when she could but knew that she didn’t have what it actually takes to heal me in this. We talked about much, a lot about Byron and John and a lot more about other happenings in our lives. When we didn’t talk we sat in comfortable silence with our young ones and enjoyed each others company and I take comfort in the love that I felt this weekend.

Cherie, oh my Cherie, how I love her so! She is my heart, always and forever!

R&R

I am so tired, emotionally and physically. Today was a long hard day because insomnia struck last night! I finally made myself lay down around 2 am and laid awake for I don’t know how long. When I did sleep at first it was that in between state, where you know you are asleep but are fully aware of your surroundings. This was after venting in general about how dark my world is too Byron. He listened patiently and tried to give advice the best he could, but I was too far gone at the time for any positive note to be effective.

Then I was up and ready for work and even got there one time at 730 am. It was difficult concentrating on work. Being this tired is such a drain. When I wasn’t walking around in a stupor I was thinking of Byron or even John, of failed relationships in general. Just not a good combination for my already fluctuating emotional state.

I even had to invest in a 5 hr energy drink on lunch. You know you are tired when this raises your energy level to what is ‘normal’ and then it only lasts for an hour! I eventually ended up napping at my desk some which helped me finish out the day. The only ‘normal’ part of my day was at home. I of course finally woke up once I got off of work, I did after all get somewhat of an illegal nap at my place of employment.

I have not talked to Byron today, I did text some with John and he has been a big help to me in this, almost as much as Byron has been. However, what I am looking forward to is this weekend. My bestest friend (of almost 20 yrs) in the whole wide world Cherie is coming to visit me and my daughter for the entire weekend! We get to see her and her little monkey and we are going to gal pal it up. We are going to catch Joss Whedon’s (HUGE FAN of his!) Cabin in the Woods, which is supposed to redefine “horror”. Who knows what else we will do for activities.

One of our to do items is for me to catch her up on everything that has happened this week. There’s a lot of gory details to go into with her. She is one of four friends of mine who knew Byron was my master and about my new journey into BDSM. Last she knew I was going to see Byron this weekend and that I actually did see him…that’s it. I haven’t had the motivation or heart to tell her that I have been released, after all I still really can’t believe it myself. She told me she badly wanted to get involved and tell Byron not to make a mistake and loose me, and she is going to flip when she finds out he made the choice and not me.

She’s seen the positive effect that Byron has had on my life and was quite disappointed when I chose John over Byron in January, but she is an unwaveringly loyal friend. She is going to support me no matter what I choose and no matter how much of a bad choice she thinks it is. I love her fiercely and thank God over and over that her and her family were introduced into to my life at such a young age. We’ve known each other since I was nine and she was five.

So it’s girl time and I am not sure I will be posting this weekend, because it’s been months since we have had a whole weekend to ourselves and she is my priority this weekend. If I don’t post then I will soon.

In the meantime, have a wonderful weekend all!

So let it be written

Eleven years of cumulative attraction ended tonight. Byron made his decision “I can’t let me you do it”… “I think at some point I may show more favoritism inadvertently, and it’ll hurt you, moreover I won’t have a choice but to discuss Shanan with you and vice-versa”.

We’ve never really had the chance to discover what could’ve or could not have been. I think that’s the saddest part to me. After years of not knowing, I still never will. My heart is broken. My master has released me.

Surreal life

sur·re·al

[suh-ree-uhl, -reel]

adjective

1. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of surrealism;  surrealistic.

2. having the disorienting, hallucinatory quality of a dream; unreal; fantastic: surreal complexities of the bureaucracy.

Today I woke up and had an amazingly bad headache and just couldn’t bring myself to make in to work. So I made the obligatory call to let them know, took meds and went back to sleep. My intention was to make it half day today, I hoped that would give me some time to knock the headache out. I was better by mid day but not 100%, and decided to go through the motions and get it done. I got dressed, got in the car and I was off. I never made it in to work.

I was driving along to work, my job is a job I am extremely dissatisfied with, I had been thinking of Byron off and on, of John (my former vanilla lover), about a move on the horizon, about my parents, about my problems with my daughter. I haven’t been truly happy for a long time and have started making changes in my life to correct this. This of course has my life in turmoil because I have upset the balance and introduced chaos not only into my life but to the lives of those I love and that this affects.

So I am driving, when I feel this wave just pass over me and it settled ‘into’ me, like an old jaded lover coming home to re-nest, and like an old jaded lover this is not something I would welcome knowingly. I am constantly fighting with depression it seems, but this was different. After the wave had subsided it left me feeling…inadequate in my life. Like I wasn’t where I belonged and like the way things are right now are not the way things are supposed to be. Like I am disembodied from the rest of the world. It didn’t matter what I said or would say, what I did or would do. That no matter what I chose, it would be ineffectual on any real level of significance…to anyone and especially to me.

This has happened to me a few times in my life before and it’s been awhile since it happened. Last time when it did I was an active alcoholic and drank my way into oblivion until it subsided…but I kept drinking beyond that. This time I didn’t have that ‘luxury’ (if you would call it that). If I had to pick one word to describe this feeling that settled over me, it would be surreal.

I got back home and Byron came on-line and we made some small chit-chat and I started telling him how I felt while I was in the middle of trying to process this. I knew from our prior conversations that if anyone would understand this uneasy feeling it would be him…and he did. I told him I felt surreal, he said as in “Salvidor Dali” and I initially didn’t know who he meant. So he sent me a Google link of his images. He then tried to help me through it, his method for handling it is to totally allow himself to be absorbed into a deep kind of music for a while and then when he is done he has usually come out of it. He sent me three YouTube links and only one song seemed to help.

The first song was by TV on the Radio – Ambulance, but the lyrics were of lovers. This didn’t really help considering I have no real lover at this time and only seemed to amplify the feeling. The third song (yes, I just skipped the second) was by Faith and The Muse – Iago’s Demise, I didn’t really get into the lyrics on this song because the undercurrent of the song left me feeling …I didn’t initially know. He said “maybe a little uneasy, but reassured?”, I said “uneasy yes, rest assured no”. Then I had it, it made me feel despair, that didn’t help much. The second song though, How to Destroy Angels: The Space in Between, the vibe and the beat just seemed to reverberate through me and soothe my surreal feelings for a moment.

We were eventually done talking and while it helped some the feeling still lingered, it had me in its clutches and didn’t want to let go. I continued to study the images by Dali and found these two.

The first one just totally enraptured me, the picture at the top of the page. The image captures exactly how I am feeling and still amazingly beautiful at the same time. This mesmerizing simply beautiful woman who has a natural allure about her is ‘stuck’ in this pose, almost as if she is pleading. The look in her eyes is almost zombie like, like she is lost in the void of her own mind, but her feelings and emotions are still tumultuous and active, even in her zombie state and so intense that she feels like she is being blown away. The bits of her that have exploded under the pressure are being carried away by the wind and into a stark barren world.

The image below has an almost nightmarish feel about it. I even asked my daughter what she thought and she said that she didn’t want to look at it because she would have bad dreams. However, to me it again conveys how I was feeling. I felt stuck in a bad dream today. I felt blind, I felt dumb, and I felt def. I felt like I was moving in slow motion and the world had sped up around me. My senses were dulled, so dulled that I was having trouble forming thoughts and opinions beyond ‘oh, pretty’.

I then laid down and rested some and eventually the feeling subsided…for the most part, maybe tomorrow will be a better day.